What was the first Halloween costume you wore where you felt like, I don't know, for a lack of better term, but like, felt hot in? You were like, oh, okay! I remember when I was a teenager and I dressed up as some sort of hybrid of a zombie 80s flash dancer, Flash Dance, you know? With the leotard and leg warmers and everything, I don't know, it's probably 16, and I was just like, oh, this is what it feels like to dress up. Obviously, I had been dressing up for dance my whole life, but this felt very different. It was like very just purposeful putting on costume, you know. And so I love asking my friends that question, because I'm like, everyone has that moment. I mean, not everyone, but you know what I mean? A lot of people have that moment where they're like, oh, like, I feel good, and I feel beyond how I normally would. And I remember seeing Mean Girls when I was really young, and that scene, “in girl world, Halloween is the one night a year you can dress up like a total slut, and no other girl can say anything about it”. And I always thought that was so funny, because, you guys, know, I grew up in a kind of red zone, even though I was on the northeast, you know, you know, having so much pressure to like, look a certain way and behave a certain way, not for my family, but from the community. It was really funny. Even on Halloween, a lot of the girls were, like, if you were something slutty, like, that's, that's weird and gross, you know. So people had to, like, go around it, kind of like, they would wear very interesting costumes and, like, wear, like, a push up bra, like, underneath it. It's just very funny. But anyway, welcome to the Halloween episode, the mini episode, and welcome back to beyond the bedroom. And before we dive in, I have to remind you that every single witch needs a wand, right? And my favorite wand style toy is from unbound babes. I love Unbound, you know I do. And if you need a wand, if you're a witch looking for a wand, let me tell you about my favorite wand in the whole wide world. It's called Ollie, O, L, L, I, E Ollie. He is incredible. We have been together for a really long time, and he just makes me so happy, and he's waterproof, and he has, like, a bunch of settings, and it's deep, and it's rumbly, it's incredible. So go get yourself an Ollie. I may love mine enough to personify him, and that's okay. That's between me and me and him. They also have a ton of other stuff. You've seen me talk about this ring incessantly on Instagram. Yeah, go get yourself a Flick, and go Flick yourself on Unbound! You can use my code, that's BBIRNA, to get yourself a little discount, because I heard we're trick or treating. It's Halloween, so get yourself a little treat. Am I right? I certainly will. I'll be treating myself. So this is a little mini episode. It's not like as in depth or long as my regular episodes, but that's also because I'm pretty I'm pretty busy bee this week. I am prepping this class and this trip, actually, right now I'm recording this. I am leaving tomorrow morning for Boston. Yay!

I've been there like so many times because my brother used to live there. My brother lived there for years, and I also was there for other stuff. But tomorrow I'm leaving for Boston, and I'm taking my man with me, who's never been to Boston, because on Wednesday, I'm teaching at Harvard sex week, which is so exciting. I'm very, very happy and excited to be there and grateful that they had me come and teach, teaching a class called Queer Cliteracy. So that's all, vulva to vulva, action, tips, tricks, mouth stuff, finger stuff, hand stuff, toys, positions, all of it, but also a little guide on how to have safer V to V sex. Because, like, you know, vulva to vulva, vagina to vagina. There's a big myth where it's like, oh, like the STI rate is so low. Like, we're not in any danger. Girl, you're in danger. You are. Stop sharing toys and then being like, Why do I have yeast infections all the time? I'm here to help. Alright, I'm stepping in, and I'm stepping up, you know? And I am really excited to be teaching that. And then we leave on Halloween, come back to New York. And wow, I'm so excited to be back in New York for Halloween, except I'm staying in my little neighborhood, Brooklyn goes so hard. Brooklyn and Queens go so hard for Halloween. God, I love it. I love like, my Italian neighbor giving me like a glass of wine and in like a little plastic cup and asking me what my costume is, even though I'm not dressed up as anything, she's just guessing random sitcom characters.

Oh, God, I love being back in New York. By the way, for those of you not from New York, or, like, not from like, certain neighborhoods of New York, yes, there are like, neighborhoods where the grown ups, the adults will all like, be outside and just like, offer each other treats as well, while the kids are like, running around. I remember that from my childhood that was so fun. All the parents would like, sit, sit on the stoops and on their porches and stuff, and we would run down, up and down the streets and Trick or treat. Are kids still trick or treating? I see all this like, trunk or treat, what? What is that? Or just let me know if you have a if you have any idea.

Okay, so you guys sent me some really fun little questions and confessions, and I'm gonna read them out loud to my lovely listeners, and we're gonna go through we're gonna answer them, or I might just provide some commentary on some of these confessions. We'll see.

So listener number one, they ask: I just recently discovered why people enjoy wearing masks during sex. Hot fire, flames emojis.

So, yeah, this is like, really, I'm just gonna give some commentary on this one. First of all, love that for you! Second, yeah, like, it's really interesting, because there's a couple different things at play here, right? There's, like, the power play aspect of it that people might get off on, like, if people are being masked by someone else. But then there's also, you know, just Halloween in general, it can be a really fun reminder of how stepping into a character or putting on something can unlock different parts of ourselves. So like putting on a mask can unlock this and even in intimacy. So wearing masks or costumes kind of creates a psychological distance, because even though you're up close to each other. There you can't sometimes you can't see each other, but also sometimes you're seeing each other, but you're not face to face, technically. So it's creating this distance in your mind which can help people feel really uninhibited and so adventurous, and this kind of lets you play with those identities that you usually maybe keep hidden, or you might feel more free, or like less embarrassed, or less not even embarrassed, but like, maybe you're just less like, aware of how your face looks when you orgasm or something. You know what I mean? You're also like in your own little cave, like you're having an intimate moment with yourself while having sex with someone else. It's very interesting, right? So when wearing a mask, people can often feel a lot less self conscious about how they act or how they look, which it really like. It just lets people go go wild, go buck wild. You You feel more free to express your desires and the things that you usually might suppress or you might, like, kind of be more literally, like, stiff upper lip, about, like, just trying to keep everything kind of calm in your face.

And this effect, I think it's called, like, De-individuation. And what De-individuation is, it's, it's like reducing the feeling of personal accountability or embarrassment, making it a lot easier to explore just uninhibited touch or fantasies or communicate what you want that might otherwise feel a little too much or intimidating. It's kind of the opposite of spectatoring, which I've talked about before, like the feeling of being too aware of your face or your body or what you're doing during sex. So masks really introduce this element of mystery and playfulness, and can kind of make everything a lot better, right? So for some people, it doesn't do this, and for some people, it really unlocks something, and it can make a partner that you're usually seeing also seem a little bit unfamiliar, especially if you really can't see their facial features. And it kind of puts that, like forbidden thrill into that. And I don't know, people also use masks to kind of like, even just like the little ones, like over your eyes, it does kind of hide a lot of what the other person is thinking. So you kind of just have to go with what they're saying or how their body is reacting, which is also really interesting, right? And that can unlock something new. So for those of you who are interested in putting on or slipping on a little mask. You could ask your partner about just trying, trying one on in front of you, and then ask them about how they feel in it. And like you can try to, like kiss with it on, and see what that feels like. But it's really important to kind of create that space to explore that type of intimacy. So yeah, oh, my god, exciting. Good for you.

Okay, next listener: last Halloween, my partner wore a cop costume, and I am so totally ACAB. But wow, this was hot to me. How do I bring it up with him that I would be down to role play? This also side note, am I a bad person?

Okay, so you're definitely not a bad person based on this. So, sometimes fantasies and things that turn us on can really, really surprise us, right? And especially when they seem to go against or contradict our personal beliefs. So this person says, like, they're ACAB, which is like, kind of a it's an anti police, sentiment. And so they're like, why the fuck am I turned on by my partner in a cop costume? So I know I talk about this before, but if you're just as curious as I am about why people are into certain things, I recommend checking out, “why are people into that”? And also “tell me what you want”, which is the fantasy research project by Justin Lehmiller. And in that one, the latter one, people kind of exhibit a lot of this kind of cross, I don't know, cross belief system, fantasy stuff. So people who are more likely to be conservative politically or Republican, outwardly, they were more into the idea of, they were more into the idea of like being controlled, or like letting go, of like decision making and vice versa, which is just kind of interesting. And a lot of what happens in this research is that people will sometimes have outward beliefs, like they are conservative, they're Republican, they are, you know, we know that one, but also happens on the other side of the spectrum. So sometimes people want what they crave from their day to day. Like, if you're the type of person who's very strong willed and makes a lot of decisions for you and those around you, maybe your sexual fantasy is that someone else is bossing you around. So obviously, like, you're not a bad person at all, and it's super, super, super common, and that's why I think a lot of the time, role play works, because it allows people to tap into these ideas and dynamics that they're often disconnected to in real life, or it kind of opposes maybe the ethics that they have. And I see this kind of happen a lot, where people are always like, well, what they're doing behind closed doors, like, means that's who they really are. But you can have different dynamics in your intimate life and your personal life and your professional life. Like, you don't always have to be like the same. Like, if you if you have to make decisions for everybody in your personal and professional life, it makes sense. In your intimate life, you're like, ooh, like, tell me what to do, and I'll listen and I'll obey. You know that doesn't necessarily mean the other stuff is fake, right? I think that there's kind of a disconnect there with people not understanding that your intimate life doesn't necessarily have to reflect exactly the way you behave in your outside of that. However, obviously, if you are, like a raging homophobe and you are getting off on gay porn, like, maybe, yeah, you need to look into that, because obviously that's not healthy for you or those around you, right? So there's obviously caveats to that, of course, but in terms of this, it's more of like a playful space, right? Things can be exaggerated and explored, and then they can kind of be left at that bedroom door afterwards. It's completely normal for fantasies to feel different from your everyday beliefs, and when we allow ourselves to be playful and imaginative and intimacy, it doesn't always mean we're betraying our values. We're just giving ourselves permission to explore things outside of what we do day to day. We're exploring different aspects of ourselves, just exploring different desires in a very safe and consensual space, which is really the key here. So ask him to put the costume on again and tell him how hot you think he looks in it, or just bring up how unexpected it was. And, you know, be make a little joke, even be like, oh, like, are you gonna arrest me? You know, just can't be, like, playful, not too serious, you know, and ask him if he's gonna be the good cop or bad cop. And then be like, oh, like, I'm joking, but like, kind of not, because I always suggest to people talk about this outside of the bedroom, but I think in this scenario, I I don't know Halloween is just around the corner, so I say be more blunt. Take advantage of when he has another costume on, you know. Or you can be like, Wait, can you dress up as a cop for, like, a Halloween date night for me, like you have the cop costume, like you can wear it, you know, just show interest in it. And then when he's like, Wait, why do you want me to put it on so bad? Or, like, why do you want me to act like that? You can explain to him like, you know you want to play out a scenario where he's in charge and you know you're maybe it's just the fact that, like, you're handcuffed. It doesn't necessarily have to be, I'm turned on by the trauma of incarceration, like, that's not what it is. You know, there's a reason why there's like, stripper cops and stripper firemen. It's because the idea, I think, of like the man in uniform is hot to a lot of people, and it doesn't necessarily mean that you're signing off on everything in the incarceral system. So you know, do with that what you will. But Halloween is around the corner, like I said, so I think you should just take advantage of it and bring it up, be blunt, and explain to him that it doesn't mean you’re super on board with the rest of it, you know.

Okay, next question: I’ve practiced a form of, I guess, magical thinking, but I like to call it manifesting, where I think of what I really want when I'm either masturbating or having an orgasm. Am I super delusional for thinking that it's working?

Ok, so I get asked about this a lot. I just want to make a note here. I went out of my way a couple years ago, like in 2020 to get another sex ed certification in a more like holistic school of sex ed. And it's not like super woo-woo, like the president of the school is also the president of AASECT. But basically it opened up a lot for me about how different belief systems and different personal or different sex belief system, different health belief systems can shape people's point of view. And for me, my kind of whole thing here is, if it's not hurting anybody, like, go for it. If it's bringing comfort, if it's bringing you power, if it's bringing you happiness, like, in terms of empowerment, not power from others, then, yeah, go for it. But that obviously has boundaries for me, and that's what I'll say. But in terms of this, I mean, people have practiced various forms of manifestation or magical thinking for centuries, and you know, something I learned when I purpose, I purposely sought out all of this because I was from such a medical model. I again, went back into the medical model because, obviously I transitioned into public health, like, you know, recently my career, but it informed a lot of that too. And I was really happy that also, when I was learning, when I was getting that degree in Health and the public interest. What we really kind of studied is how different health belief systems work. Like some people in some cultures are actually not afraid of death, so they don't see it as “I have to battle this”. It's like, :okay, this is my time, you know, and I'm 65 and I lived a good life”, you know, for us, we're like, “Wait, 65 that's so young, you have to keep going!” It's just different belief systems. And sometimes, obviously there's caveats with that, like with children involved and stuff like that. But you know, sometimes you have to open up your boundaries and just accept that other people have different things that help them and work for them. And one of those things that I learned about in terms of sex is the form of ritual. So orgasms, they naturally create this positive and energized state for people. So this can make people feel really powerful from a psychological standpoint, associating something you want with the pleasure of that moment. It can help your brain see it as attainable, or it can boost your confidence in taking steps towards it. So you might be like, Wait, it's working. And it's like, yeah, I mean, you're making an association between the one of the best feelings in the world, right? Like having a mind blowing orgasm and thinking about this thing that you really want, whether it's, you know, a promotion, or whatever you know, As for whether it's witchcraft, of course, that's for you to decide, right? Like, people are always asking me, like, is this sex magic? Like, is this, you know, but what you're doing is rooted in the idea that the intention, especially when combined with positive thinking, it can inspire action. So what you are seeing, as you know, magic or motivation or whatever manifesting through pleasure is, is whatever you want it to be. Personally, for me, I don't enjoy doing things like this in my personal life, in terms.

Calling it manifesting, or calling it like magic, just because, for me, I'm like, Oh, I'm just creating an association. And that means that, you know, I have the power to do these things. It's, it's coming more from a psychological standpoint. But I think the only thing I'll say here is, like, be careful if you're starting to have some sort of like spiritual delusion in terms of, like, you are starting to want things that are, like, out of your control completely, and you're like, oh, like, is it working? Because I'm thinking about it during sex. But it sounds like this is just kind of one of those, like positive reinforcement things, and go on and do it, you know? And also, when people are like, oh, like, I'm a witch. I do healing for people, I'm like, Yeah, go for it, whatever. I really, I don't know there's some people that are very militant about it, but I'm just kind of like, Listen, if that's what works for them, then that's what works for them, right? Who am I to knock it? You know, as for if you're delusional, I think, I think that that's just gonna have to be something you decide.

I'm not gonna sit here and call you delusional, just because you're creating some positive reinforcement in your life and having fun and you're orgasming your masturbating. That's healthy. Keep doing you, girl.

Okay, so next question, this is kind of a hot topic. I recently got into tentacle and Monster toys. What's the deal with that? Why do I and others find it so hot?

So for those who may not be aware, tentacle monster toys, these are usually dildos, but they're also kind of other things. They can be like butt plugs and cock rings and whatever that are- the tentacle ones are pretty self-explanatory. They like, are made of silicone, and they look like some sort of monster, octopus, tentacle like, they're really thick, and they may have little suction cups on them, but most of the time, they just have this mold that they're made of. So the suction cups are there, but they don't suction to anything. Some people, they'll go full out and do the suction and everything. And monster toys are usually dildos, again, other things, but they are in the mold of, I guess, a monsters member. So whatever that might be, some of them are humongous, but they kind of get a lot of attention online. Like, people are like, Oh, they must all look like that. When I was working at Losti, we sold a bunch of this stuff because people were really interested in it, and they weren't always, like, super big. I think part of the appeal is that, for a lot of it, is that they're really big and they're shaped differently, and it's just a novel sensation. They're novelty, right? But it can also be the thrill of the unknown, because for a lot of people, these fantasies hold this big appeal because they go so far beyond the typical human boundary, and they open up this new chapter, this new dimension of possibility and this unknown element with these toys is that you're feeling something, maybe you're feeling a sensation of something completely unfamiliar, but still pleasurable. So that can be really strangely liberating for a lot of people. In general, when people are really into stuff like this or alien stuff, I remember selling a bunch of like Alien eggs and alien tentacles and all that stuff, fantasies like that. It lets us step away from our identities, and, you know, the rules that we have to live by, and it creates a sense of freedom for a lot of people, also obviously taboo, like they're very taboo, especially the monster element, like craving something that's not human, I think really deep down, that's like, why the whole Twilight series was so popular. I mean, people lusted after this person who, like, looked human, but like wasn't human. And the werewolves too. People were, like, super into that. And then every single type of like sci fi movie, there has been some sort of porn or, you know, something made out of it, right, like a spin, spin off, or, like a, what's it called? Like, you know, they try to reenact it in a porn form, because it is really hot to people a lot of the time to just explore something completely new or forbidden or unknown. Feeling like you're not in total control of the situation can be really exciting to people. And then there's also this idea like you're exploring something forbidden but without any real world consequences. So I don't know, the mind always loves a little bit of the forbidden. It's a big one, but the size of these toys and the sensations that they provide can also create this sensation of being completely overpowered, and that can play such a big role. So some people really enjoy this feeling of being like, enveloped in something or overwhelmed by something that's like, larger than life that can be.

Deeply erotic to people, or they're just, like, total size queens, like, to the point where it's like, the bigger the absolute better. Like, you almost want it to hurt. Like, there's some people that are really into that, and these types of toys definitely do that, like, on the bigger spectrum, right? It's not human. So you're kind of escaping to this world where the usual limits and labels don't apply, the tentacles and the monster toys. They can have this- they can make people feel this feeling of like they're doing something that doesn't involve another human being. And it can be kind of like introspective. Also. It's really interesting. I was like, talking to someone about, you know, furries, like that whole community. I was talking to this person about how that idea of becoming something other than human is sometimes the gateway for people to, like, explore their sexuality, people that have been, like, really repressed. And I was like, I wonder why that is, but I think it's because a lot of people have a hard time with having to follow the rules all the time, and also their attraction to others can be very confusing to them, and so it's kind of this play space. And not every furry has a sex thing. I'm just, I'm specifically talking about people who go down that path of it.

But, and I'm not condoning all of it, just, you know, disclaimer, this play space where you can just play creatively and you can explore desires outside of the boundaries of, like, human interaction, and like, what's expected of a human, and it's like, you don't know what's gonna happen next, kind of feeling, this feeling of being wild, of you know, and I think a big part of that, whether we're talking about something like CNC, which is like consensual non consent, or talking about like being enveloped, which is like the tentacle thing, where people are being tied up, or monsters like coming and overpowering you. The whole element here, like, if you really look at it, is that you are having sex without the uh, personal accountability of being the one who said yes, even though you want to. So it's kind of like you can't be the slut. You can't be bad. You're not like a you didn't like go out and pursue this, like you became overpowered, and this can be very difficult for people to understand, because that is such a horrifying experience in reality. So why would people want that? But it's not always like I mentioned earlier, a reflection of your values or your belief system. Sometimes it's this idea where your brain is going, okay? It's the ability to go forth and say yes and like, want this, but there's no human judging me, and there's no shame associated with it, because I didn't like say yes to a human being, I got overpowered by this large monster. And I think that's like the fantasy there at the core of it. But aside from all that, aside from all the psychological also, like, they're fun shapes, and they feel different inside people. And they're shaped in cool, fun ways. They have cool colors, like, I think people have these, like, huge collections of them, and the visual aspect of that can be really interesting for people. And also, I think it just it makes for good content for a lot of people too, because it's so eye catching. And then it kind of feeds into that cycle of like, oh, well, everyone's like, making content with it. I should try it like, it's like this chicken or the egg thing that happens, suddenly, everybody's got a tentacle dildo. I don't have one for personal use, but I've held a bunch of them at trunk parties, and let me tell you, they're pretty fun. Like fidget spinners and like stress balls. I have to say, if I was like, stressed on my way to a trunk show, I'd be like, squeezing the tentacle in the bag just being like, okay, it's just soft and squishy and nice.

But yeah, that's it for this little mini episode. It was short and sweet. Just in time for Halloween. Let me know what you are dressing up as. Are you going to a party of some sorts are you going to a sexy party? Tell me how it went. I love when my listeners just reach out to me with like, little tidbits and stories and and stuff. I think it's so fun. And so, yeah, tell me how your Halloween went. And if you didn't have a fun Halloween, that's okay. You can still treat yourself, and you can really treat yourself at unbound. Remember my discount code is B, B, I R N, A (BBIRNA), get a discount. Support the podcast. Support me as a creator. Thank you so much for listening, and I'm sending you all my love this week from Boston and Brooklyn.