Maybe you're having sex that is good, but not great. You're wondering what else is out there. Maybe that rut is not just in your sex life, but also when you're solo, you're doing it the same way you've been doing it alone since you started touching yourself. Then there's that age old advice, communicate, explore, and that stuff is tried and true, but where do you even start? So here are three steps. My plan for you to have better sex in just a couple months. We're going to explore erotically. We're going to redefine satisfaction. We're going to find your sex voice.

Welcome back to Beyond The Bedroom with Birna. I'm of course, Birna. I have spent the last decade of my life dedicated to sex education and I have a degree in health and the public interest. I have a lot of experience not just with health sciences and sex ed and sexuality but also in how to communicate it to the public which is why I have this podcast and as much fun as it can be it deserves to be taken seriously. So today I've put together this episode to kind of break things down in a way that I haven't yet. It gets really into the nitty-gritty of how we can use these evidence-based methods to increase our sexual well-being.

So I lecture on the role of sexual well-being in healthcare settings because it's a quality of life metric. To sum it up, sexual well-being is not exactly what you're doing, but it's how you feel about it. I want to make a clear distinction too. It's not, when I talk about sexual well-being, I'm not talking about the wellness industry or wellness in general. It's a really specific term. It's not about increasing the amount of times you have sex. It's not even really about doing certain things to orgasm more. It's not even about like pressing buttons to create orgasms. It's more about your sexual flexibility, your sexual resilience, and the way you feel about yourself sexually combined with a bunch of other stuff. It has to do with your ability to communicate not just about your sexual health, but about your desires, your experiences, the way you view yourself as a sexual being. Those types of things can be worked on with erotic exploration and working on your sexual confidence, which is what we're doing today. So a lot of research has shown that sexual wellbeing includes things like satisfaction, your underlying emotional state, your body literacy. So how well do you know your body? How well do you know the anatomy for genitals and the ability to actually receive and experience pleasure? It's not defined by a checklist or specific acts, so when I take you through these steps, it's not like I'm going, if you do these things in order, it'll create the best sex life ever, but there are real concrete things you can do.

So Emily Nagowski talks about this in Come As You Are. have it on my little...my little reference books over there. It's also echoed in a lot of public health definitions, including the World Health Organization and the World Association for Sexual Health. And it was even defined 20 years ago by the WHO. Sexual health is a state of physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being in relation to sexuality. That's from 2006. But we have definitions that span before that and after that. But that's what we're working with. So sexual well-being is not the absence of dysfunction. It's about a positive integrated experience.

You can have something like erectile dysfunction and still consider yourself sexually well. Okay. So what does this have to do with you having better sex? Let me give you some examples. And we're going to be using these kinds of case studies throughout the episode. When we talk about them in the future, I will reference them and make sure, know, because I'm bad with names too. So don't worry. So here are three real life experiences and I'm going to call them case studies that we'll be looking at today.

So John and Amy. Let's talk about them. They're a couple in their late twenties who have been together for a few years. Their sex is regular. They're having sex regularly. They enjoy the time they spend together because it's nice to feel good and get close. John would say that overall his satisfaction is medium. Amy feels like she has a lower satisfaction overall. So already you might start, your wheels might start turning. like they're having mismatched satisfaction. Maybe they have mismatched libido. Hold on. They both have orgasms nearly each time. Their sex life is regular. They just feel like something is missing. John has explored different types of sex acts but is afraid of telling Amy what he wants because he may feel like she's gonna judge him or look down on him for exploring maybe behind her back on his own or from past experiences. Amy really wants to explore deep down but she's being held back. She's self-conscious about her body.

She is worried about trying new positions or trying new things because she's afraid of letting go because she wants to be in control of the way her body is being perceived by John at all times. So there are other issues that need to be addressed for them to work on their sexual well-being in order to work on their satisfaction. That's why in this case adding a toy or trying to spice things up may not lead to long-term solutions. So my three steps today may help them.

Sarah feels like she's in a rut in general. She is in her early 30s and she feels like, is this all there is? She's single and she wants to explore more on her own. She wants to learn her body more, but she doesn't always know where to look. She's afraid that trying something new on her own feels weird because she becomes really aware of what she's doing and then she starts to be like, this this isn't this weird. She starts to judge herself a little and she doesn't know how to recreate the things that feel good on her own when she does find those things with a partner. She also sometimes gets frustrated when something that she wants to do just doesn't end in an orgasm and she gets hung up on that.

So Maria and Sam are in their early 40s. They're both pretty sexually confident and really exploratory. They don't have as much of a hard time discussing what they want and they've tried a lot of different things. They're on the same page with trying new things together in the bedroom but they keep finding themselves in this rut. Sometimes they'll spice things up for a little bit but they eventually always fall back into the same pattern. Each time they want to try something new, they end up having sex in a really repetitive way by the end. They feel like that's the only way they can both get off. And since they prioritize each other's pleasure, they have a hard time finding anything outside of that. They always end up in the same spot in the end. So in this scenario, classic advice like increasing the passion may make a difference for a little bit, but overall they find they're still ending up in the same spot. Again, don't worry. I'll remind you who is who throughout the episode.

I wanted to give you these examples because we're going to take these people through these steps so you can also see how to implement them. Some of these examples may feel familiar or you may know somebody who's been in a similar situation. It may even resonate with you. So the usual advice, right? Communicate and explore. It doesn't always resonate if you're not sure where to even start. What are we exploring? What do we talk about? Are we just looking through porn and seeing what we like and then just repeating that, like copying it? Like what do do? Someone may also be feeling self-conscious, judge themselves.

So they start exploring, then they're like, am I weird for liking that? So if this feels familiar at all, let's go into exercise one. If you were to write an erotic scene and no one else in the entire world would ever see it but you, it can be however long you want. It can be about you. can be about others. What would be in that scene? Is there something that comes to mind already? Do you have to kind of workshop it a little bit and write down some ideas until you land on one? What type of touch is involved?

What do you feel in this scenario? Is it anticipatory? Are you nervous? Are you thrilled? Are you feeling safe? Is it romantic? Is it new? Be specific. Is there a specific location that's popping up? Are you wearing something specific? And if it's not you, where are these people? What do they look like and what are they wearing or not wearing? Most of the time people picture completely naked, but once in a while we get something kind of fun and new there.

Are they in a specific spot or is it more like they're in a dream location? When you're having a dream and the setting is just kind of blurry and blends in, maybe the location doesn't matter as much to you. Think about this. What's the lighting like? What's the quality of the air? Figure out what's important to you. And if nothing's coming to mind or maybe you're not very visual, you're not a visual learner either, try working backwards. So imagine the idea of sexual freedom. What does that look like to you? If that's exciting, or some sort of emotion that you want Or anticipate what would be really satisfying to you. A lot of people use sexual freedom. From there, you can work backwards. What would sexual freedom feel like in your body? What types of touch would be involved? Are you touching someone is someone touching you are more than one person touching you? How comfortable are you? How uncomfortable are you and is that part of the arousal and if anyone else is there who is it? So maybe a really specific fantasy came up. Maybe you also put yourself in a scene that you found really hot from a movie or adult entertainment. Maybe you fantasize about someone other than your partner. That's okay. So with this erotic scene, it's just practice. It doesn't even have to be a fantasy that you really think about often. And it's definitely not something you have to recreate. In fact, the point of this exercise is not to recreate something. It's to create a sense of familiarity with who you are in your sexual self. If you're not into writing, you can leave yourself a voice note and delete it, or you can just jot it down in bullet notes.

It can be as long or short as you want. It's just for you. It's not for a partner. If you want to share it in the future, sure, but you don't have to, and I don't want you to right now. No one ever has to see it or know about it. So what comes up? So for Sarah, our solo explorer, she started writing a few things and then she was like, wait, is this weird? Do I even like this? Or is this something I've been told I like? And these are totally normal thoughts. So to work with this a little bit, there are two strategies. One is a mindfulness strategy. And another one is an erotic strategy. And you can use them both and you can also use both of these things throughout anything else we talk about today.

Observational thinking. This is a really great way to incorporate mindfulness into your exploration. So when you're writing, just notice what comes up for you. If you're judging yourself, if you're questioning yourself, if you're feeling feelings of shame or surprise or whatever, just acknowledge what comes up. Observe it.

As if you're watching it kind of just pass by and let it go. You don't need to act on it. You don't need to take it in and kind of dig deeper or investigate those emotions. You can just acknowledge it and let it pass. You can deal with it at a different time if you want, but during this erotic exercise, you're writing, you're writing your little scene. You can just observe what comes up and let it pass. You don't need to assign a moral label to what you're writing right now. This of course has caveats. Like if you are having thoughts of harming an unconsenting person, but in general, we're using common sense here, right? Allow your erotic thoughts to happen. Observe if any thoughts or feelings come up that impede them and let them pass without judgment. And it's a skill and it takes time to work on this, but I guarantee it will help you explore in, in, know, this first step, which is erotic exploration. So when Sarah was writing, she started to feel these things and notice these thoughts come up. She observed them. She said, okay, that's happening for me.

I'm gonna choose to keep going and let them pass. Kept going. It did deter her a little bit, but she with practice was able to acknowledge her feelings about it, acknowledge her hang-ups about what she was into, and then she could deal with it at a different time with a therapist or, you know, with working through something else. But for the sake of this exercise, she's able to observe her feelings and let them go. For Sarah, she started to work backwards. In her erotic scenario, the details are really fuzzy.

She’s not a great visualizer, but she focused on a feeling freedom. This is something that came up for her. She is uninhibited. What does that look like? Well, she notices something she's free because she doesn't have to call the shots. What did that look like for her for Sarah? Her erotic scenario ended up including a little bit of light bondage. Interesting. There's freedom and restraint. So in her erotic scenario, she's acknowledging that she's letting the pleasure wash over her because she just has to let it. Of course in a safe and consensual way to play, right? But she's letting her partner give her pleasure and she just has to receive it because she can fully let go. So she kind of unlocked a new kink. But this is also where that other strategy comes into play which involves eroticizing these fears. How could leaning into the stuff that you're unsure about or feeling shame about, how could that feel arousing to you? Maybe you can work with that a little bit. So this involves a combination of accepting what you're into and giving yourself permission and acknowledging this is common and normal. Maybe learning more about it and realizing, there's a lot of people that are into this. But it also involves acknowledging that you're being sexual and that's a good thing. Give yourself permission to get a little dirty. Give yourself permission to think about these scenarios and delve into them. Remember, you don't have to recreate. There's no decisions being made. You're just exploring. And what does it feel like to be a little dirty? You can work on it until it starts to feel really good.

So, after you're done with that little intro exercise, here's the official start of step one. Erotic exploration. Here's a step by step. Taking time to explore what turns us on mentally will translate physically. Sometimes we need more of something, more sensation, more dialogue, more of really anything. We don't know how it feels to accept more until we take that on. So let's look at the material we have to work with. Are you into erotica? Are you into listening?

Or reading erotica? It’s not just for women. I know it's marketed to women a lot, but it's not just for women. If this is not your thing, no matter who you are, are you into watching or reading about sex education? Are you into following sex educators like me and learning more stuff and learning all these new words and new kinks and new ways to have sex? And remember, it doesn't have to just be about trying new things in a kinky way. It could be, you know, trying a new type of touch or introducing a toy or whatever.

Also of course include adult entertainment. what does that look like to you? Find something that you enjoy, that you feel safe and comfortable exploring. And here's where it gets interesting. I want you to look at this source material, whatever it may be, not when you're aroused. I want you to look at it kind of like you're browsing a menu, so to speak. It can be helpful to look at this stuff when you're not necessarily aroused because then it can be present with your bodily sensations. You can think clearly. And if you're looking at like adult entertainment, don't just look at the home page. I want you to open up those categories and really see what is something that is Interesting to you. What's something that makes you curious again? Observational thinking you're not judging yourself for being like, huh? I would like to know more about that keeping an open mind requires not judging yourself for thinking something could be interesting to learn more about doesn't mean you want to go and do it, but you're like, interesting Okay, I wonder why people are into that? Getting familiar with different types of dynamics, power dynamics, touch, sensations, scenarios, different locations, different types of things that could be freeing or limiting on purpose. What is something that makes you excited? What is something that makes you kind of nervous? What's something that you're like, actually, I definitely don't. not into that. Keep in mind that a lot of the time things that we find hot looking at this type of stuff is because it's a taboo can be exciting and erotic to feel like you’re being bad or you're being really good. Like look at those dynamics. Like what is it that's speaking to you? And what that feels like is a mixture between like interest and curiosity and that warm sensation, that feeling of, okay, it of gets the gears moving. A lot of the time people assume in my line of work that I'm like just constantly at some state of arousal all the time. Let me be the first to say that's definitely not the case for the sake of this exercise. You can trust in me and saying, you can look at this stuff and learn about this stuff and read about this stuff to kind of be a tastemaker for yourself without necessarily feeling like you have to be aroused at everything or have to act on it. Most people when they start erotically exploring it's going to turn them on and it might turn into some touch. It might turn into some exciting fantasies. That's great. If it's not for you that's okay too. You're just getting familiar with what's out there. You don't have to make any decisions right? You don't have to say I want to try that or yes that turns me on or off. It can be in a gray area and it can be in that gray area where you're like I would be interested in trying this in a different way maybe. So instead focus on what interests you, what you're curious about, what you're confused about, and yes, stuff that you know you're willing to explore in some way. You can make a little list. You can just process this out loud with your partner. But if you're doing this alone, you can kind of just keep tabs mentally too. You don't need to do any like real formal work unless you want to. Then feel free to keep a private note, maybe a password protected place. You don't have to make any emotional decisions.

You're not doing this to get off per se, you're doing this to get ideas of what else could be out there, like your pleasure potential. So I have some couples games on my site for free. So if you are wanting to explore with your partner, I really suggest a couples game, whether it's mine at beyondthebedroom.org or if it's something else, whatever it is, make a list of things that you'd be open to learning more about together. So it's not a list of things where it's like, yes, we want to try these things together. It could just be, we're going to pick something that we're open to figuring out what that looks like or learning more about it together. That's it. Just relieving that pressure. Something else to erotically explore. Ask yourself this question. What would your dream sex life look like? What is something that has always been interesting to you? Not as a sexual act, but as a sexual dynamic. So like someone being in charge, you being in charge, the idea of multiple people touching at once. What's something that you're like when you see it in a movie, you're like, yeah.

When do you feel the most sexy outside of having sex? What is something is that clothing that you wear? it when you have your hair done? it when you have a clean house? What is it that allows desire to build up? But also is there something that you do that makes you feel the most sexy? If that's difficult for you, then you can ask yourself, when do you feel the most confident? So some people have more sexual flexibility inherently than others. And there's a lot of studies that suggest that women have more of this plasticity, they have more sexual flexibility in general. That doesn't mean they want to act on all of it, but they can find a lot more things arousing. I'm not saying to you everything you find arousing is something you desire to do. There's a difference between arousal, which is kind of that physical response to sexual stimuli, desire, which is the urge or feeling to want to act on it. You can have desire without feeling arousal. You can have arousal without feeling desire. Do you see the connection between those two? Some people that are more sexually flexible tend to be able to be more open-minded and try new things out and find ways to like new dynamics and new things. If you want to learn more about the science behind fantasies and a really great explanation of sexual flexibility from a psychological perspective, I really recommend the book, Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lemmler. I'll link it down below. So something that I also want you to try is that when you're erotically exploring, and this can take as long as you want, it can be something that's a lifelong thing that you check in on regularly. It could be, okay, this month I'm doing this. If you're doing erotic exploration for a limited amount of time, let's say you take this as a step that you're taking to get to know yourself while you're doing that. And stay with me. I want you to take orgasms off the table as a goal. You might be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Okay. Again, hear me out. This leads into the next step, step two.

Redefining satisfaction. Taking orgasms off the table for a bit helps you figure out what you really, really want. What really turns you on? If you want to take it a step further, what really turns you on without you touching yourself? Remember, you might not have desire for all of this because of stress in your life or other things happening, but in general, what is something that you find incredibly hot mentally? You don't need to check if you like it enough by being able to orgasm to it. And just remember,

There may be things that you don't find hot when you're not aroused, but when you are aroused you're incredibly turned on by it's okay to just accept that like something that you're not into obviously when you're not turned on would be something that you say yes to when you're really turned on and I will definitely have an episode all about that in the future some people also can't just see things or think about things and feel desire to act on them and that's okay because remember this type of work is designed to help you get comfortable with thinking about sex thinking about yourself as a sexual person and kind of rule your tastes in terms of who you are as a sexual person, who you're sexual, what your sexual identity is, what your sexual values are. And also get ready for redefining what sex, better sex is to you and being able to discuss it. So this kind of lays the groundwork. onto our second step, redefining satisfaction. What exactly does better sex mean to you? Why did you click on this episode or why are you tuning in today? What is is it that counts as better for you? Is it compared to the sex you're currently having? Is it something that you've always wanted but you just haven't experienced yet? Are you not sure what better sex really means? A lot of people tell me, I don't know, like I just know it when I see it. I just know it's good or bad or better or worse when I experience it. And that's fine. But remember, we're working towards getting better. So we have to do that work. What is it exactly that makes your sex life?

Not sex life for everyone, but you specifically either on your own or with your partner. What is it that makes it better? So surprise when I say take orgasm off the table for this, it doesn't mean that you can't finish ever while finding something hot. That's not what I'm saying. Instead. What I'm saying is I don't want you to chase orgasms. This is part of it. I want you to shift your mindset. Orgasms are not the only measure of satisfaction. If you're only basing your satisfaction off of how many times you orgasm, or if you orgasm or how great those orgasms are, it's not the whole picture of your satisfaction or your sexual well-being. So focusing on orgasms solely as a goal or creating this like goal oriented sex can be really limiting because you're neglecting the other parts of satisfaction or well-being that makes sex so great. Also making orgasms this goal can actually make them harder to come by, which is so counterintuitive. I know like thank you brain. Thanks for setting that up that way for us. Like the more pressure is on us for a lot of people, the harder it is to actually have an orgasm. And then also sometimes orgasms just happen for people and they're like, or they're not even that great or they're amazing, right? There's a lot of different types of feelings towards them. Orgasms involve a contraction of the pelvic muscles and increased blood flow to the genitals, especially for people with vulvas and vaginas. And keep in mind today, I'm using a lot of terms like female and women because that's what's reflected in the research that I'm citing, but you know, this is inclusive, I’m inclusive or whatever translates to your gender experience. Take what works for you, leave what doesn't. Sometimes you have an orgasm when you're not expecting it and it just kind of feels like sneezing. We hear like the corgasm a lot, right? But for other times for people with female bodies, it can be really magical because it lines up with what we consider the peak of our arousal or the height of your experience. So throughout my research and my experience in this field, there's one important aspect that acts as a common thread and that's lengthening the time between your initial arousal or when you start acting on the arousal, right? That initial arousal to peak arousal. Cause remember it goes kind of like a bell curve. So there's phases. So lengthening that time between initial arousal and the peak arousal. This could also look like lengthening the time between your first sexy thoughts and your first touch as a result and your orgasm.

If you’re the type of person has multiple orgasms. It can also be lengthening the time between the kind of build up and that peak of the multiples. It can take up to 20 minutes for the female body to reach heightened arousal. And arousal, like I mentioned, happens in phases. And the peak, it's not always a bell curve or like a little roller coaster for everybody. It can go up and down and up and down. But what we consider to be a peak in terms of the mental experience is when you felt the most satisfied, fulfilled, when you feel like this is the height of your experience. So if your orgasm overlaps with that peak, it can be great. If the orgasm happens and there was no peak or it doesn't really align with that, it can be frustrating. But if you don't orgasm at all, that peak sensation can still feel incredible. And there's so much to explore within that. For people with a penis, I am absolutely not talking about semen retention. That's not a suggestion of mine. It's not based in evidence. When I'm saying you don't have to orgasm, I'm saying you don't have to chase your orgasm. You don't have to run to it, you don't have to also think of it as a job. And for your partners, especially if you're partnered with women, don't focus or zero in on her orgasm as the only measure of satisfaction or a job or a task you have to check off. Instead, think of it like this, and this goes for everybody. You're facilitating pleasure together. You're focused on your partner's overall pleasure and facilitating the height of their experience. Maybe that includes an orgasm, maybe includes multiple orgasms, maybe it include something else that they find utterly satisfying rather than check they came or let's wrap this up, right? Orgasms are not necessarily your job or your partner's job to achieve because why do they have to be a task to check off? You're facilitating pleasure and that could result in an orgasm. You're following what feels good. At the end of the day, that's what, if there's anything you take away from what I'm saying today, that's what I'm trying to say to you. You're following what feels good. Surprise yourself. Surprise your partner. See how far it can go. You don't have to have this goal-oriented sex and I'm not saying that orgasms aren't amazing, they're incredible. They're like thank you universe for creating them, right? But what would happen? You found ways to feel great without this goal-oriented sex all the time. What if you took penetration off the table for a little bit?

What would change in your sex life, if anything? So what does better sex mean outside of just better orgasms? Does it mean better connection? Does it mean better intimacy? Does it mean it's more kinky, less kinky? Does it mean more variety? What else could it mean? And if you want to have better orgasms, that's definitely something that you can work towards. And it's an incredible goal. And I'll have a separate video on that too. But overall, better sex isn't just about that moment. It's also about everything that happens before and after.

So using that erotic exploration from earlier, try to notice when themes pop up. Are you into novelty? Are you into romance? Are you into power dynamic? Are there any other feelings you can try to recreate? You don't have to set it up exactly the same way to get the same emotional results. So for Maria and Sam, the couple of that are in their forties and they're more explorative, but they're having issues being stuck in a rut. This step in particular could really transform their sex life. Instead of thinking about, we have to both get off at the end or like we always end up in the same place because that's the only way we get off, they take that off the table completely. And I'm not saying forever. I'm saying just for a little bit of time because it can force you to get creative. Acknowledge the feeling of like, like, why are we even doing this if we're not going to have an orgasm? Acknowledge that and just let it go. Just trust me. It can be really hard when I tell this to people because it makes the familiar feel really strange to them. They're like, well, what's the point of having sex if we're not coming? Think of it this way. You're not necessarily even having sex, this is like erotic playtime. What does that mean? Take more time to build that arousal without thinking of an end goal or an end in general. You don't know when it's going to end. You don't know what is going to end it. You're going to have to find ways to not end it because the cue of an orgasm may not be the reason it ends. So they ditch the script that sex has to happen in certain stages as a result of this. So their usual routine of like kissing and then foreplay, penetration, whatever they're doing, how many positions are doing, whatever, then she orgasms, he orgasms, it's done. It's like a little escalator. It's like a little staircase. Now we're going to flip it on its head. Instead, they discovered new ways to build intimacy without penetration. used a warm massage candle. They discovered that they like it when she's more in charge. She told him where to pour it. She told him where to touch her. They took some time to massage and touch each other in different ways. They tried to really lengthen that time between arousal and climax. She tells him what to do. Something new for them. She gives him permission to touch her and massage her in the way that she wants on her own terms because he's not rushing to make her orgasm and he's not rushing to kind of get to the peak of his experience. They're taking their time. Along the way, they discovered this new erotic dynamic to play with. So when they do have intercourse, they don't necessarily fall into a rut because they might start, and they might pull off a little bit. We don't want to make it end just yet. They take a little break. go back to doing something like mutual masturbation, massaging. He starts touching her more. She and him are looking at each other and just talking to each other and kind of keeping each other in the moment. They go back to doing what they like to do. So this way, the rut is kind of disrupted by the fact that the thing that they always end up doing, there's, there's no reason to go there so quickly. And even though that’s like, it's the only way that we can both get off. What if you're not getting off at all? Like, what does that change for you? Just for a little bit. Again, you don't have to do that forever.

And maybe like Maria and her husband, you discover something new safely and consensually. You can try to create new neural pathways to orgasm. So if you're the type of person who knows like this one vibrator is the one that works and I have to be in this position in order to orgasm, and you're kind of stuck in that, remember that that doesn't necessarily have to mean that you're in a rut. You can change the dynamic around that. You can do that while you change the power dynamic while you're doing something different. You can change one little aspect, right? But you can also lessen the pressure to finish and you can try to surprise yourself by taking it away for a little bit. Part of erotic exploration and redefining satisfaction when you put them together is also realizing that you don't have to follow that escalator. You don't have to use the scripts you've been given about sex. You can write your own scripts, you can be in charge of your own experience. You don't have to mimic what you think is right. And you don't have to mimic what you assume is the best way to do things based on all your previous experiences. Part of redefining satisfaction also happens outside of the bedroom. When couples build intimacy, when they try new things together, when they do things like that outside of their sex life, it can carry over, especially if they're the type of people who turn together, turn towards each other.

For our first couple, John and Amy, they're the ones who are kind of unsatisfied but not sure where to even start to fix it. Their sex life could benefit from work in their relationship overall. We saw some personal issues coming up with them, but how can they work through those things while having each other's back? Trying new things in their relationship, whether it's something creative or active or mentally challenging or demanding, it builds trust and it builds intimacy and that translates over to your sex life if you let it. Even trying something sexy that doesn't necessarily involve them actually having sex or something sex can also help. I'll have more on this later in the episode. And if you're single, this advice can still apply, right? Working on things like your self-compassion, your confidence, your variety of life, joining new groups, reading things that you don't usually read, just varieties the spice of life. It increases your flexibility and resilience mentally so that that can translate over to your sex life as well. Take orgasm off the table when you're masturbating. See what else comes up.

See how long or see how long you can take it. Try edging. Try going, you know, in a new way, a new position. Try doing something in terms of having sex with yourself, not just getting yourself off. For a lot of men, this looks like standing up or getting on their knees or touching themselves in a position that they usually don't or taking time to like touch other parts of their body first or writing a little story or, you know, just working on the other parts of their sexuality instead of what just comes easy to them or what they've always been doing because it's the easiest way, the most comfortable way. When it comes time to discuss it with a partner, you can at least define what you want. You know what you've tried and you don't have to make any decisions based on that, but you're not doing stuff also completely for the first time. You kind of have a little bit more confidence, so to speak, because you have more experience getting to know yourself. Redefining satisfaction also helps you know what you're working towards.

So for Amy, our girl that was a little self-conscious and unsatisfied in her sex life, she defined it like this. “Satisfaction means being free to follow what feels good in my body. The satisfaction I'm working towards includes acting on my desire by not being apologetic, feeling like I deserve to feel good, taking in what my partner is giving me and helping him help me feel good, being open to his suggestions and being able to test things out because I can always say no.” That's fantastic.

For Maria, it sounded little different. She defined it like this. “Satisfaction for me means continuously working towards fulfillment. I want to see how much pleasure I can possibly take. I want to push my limits, but I also know when to accept that this is the best I can do on that day. Satisfaction isn't just an event. It's a part of the bigger picture of our sex life. Feeling satisfied means I was fully in my sexual self.” Really different definitions, but they are meaningful to them personally. So what's yours? What's your definition of satisfaction?

How can you look at satisfaction differently than how you're currently looking at it? So how did they even put all of this into words? That is step three. Your last step. Finding your sex voice.

So when I teach classes about going down on people, I don't just focus on here are the tips, the techniques, the magic buttons to push because yes, I do model some of those techniques and stuff, but I emphasize learning anatomy. do a little pleasure anatomy lesson. It's short, it's sweet, but it’s it helps. I also focus on teaching the sensations that we can provide with our tongues and our mouths and our bodies. Because like I said, there's not just magic orgasm buttons for everybody. We're so unique. It's not a one size fits all and nor should there be right? It shouldn't be that way. When we get to know how things work, how our bodies can create sensations and how the quality of our touch can change, we create a language around this stuff. And that language, even if it's just for us, helps us define what we want more of. So we can use this language like I want more pressure, I want a broad sensation, I want pinpoint, I want firm, I want soft, I you know that type of stuff. When we start to label these sensations we can communicate them better because we can define them. We're not totally in the dark. Sometimes when you're with someone for the first time and they turn to you and they're like what do you like or tell me what you're into. It can feel like when somebody asks you what your favorite movie is and then you suddenly forget every single movie you've ever seen and you're not even sure if you've ever seen a movie and you're just totally blanking How do we combat that in this last step? We're gonna figure out what language works best for you how to use body mapping and finding new sensations to work with your own body and your own pleasure and communicate it how to practice asking for what you want and of course a really important part voicing your boundaries voicing your boundaries your questions your parameters that really lays the groundwork for feeling secure and comfortable in the unknown.

So we've been exploring erotically, we've redefined satisfaction for ourselves. So what do we do to put that into words in the bedroom? You want them to go like a little left with their mouth or you want them to pin your arms down. How do you ask for that? Well, the first thing is, like I said, you have to make sure you've defined it for yourself. You can spend some time mapping out your own body. And if you're someone who's really well versed in like what you want and you're just having trouble voicing it, you can skip this, but I encourage everyone to do it just in case. It's always great to go back to checking in on yourself. So spend time alone, solo, trying different types of touch. And what I mean by that is different pressures, different speeds, different rhythms, different sensations. You can try different toys. You can try different tools, try different positions. Even when you're alone, try standing, like try kneeling, like I mentioned earlier, and you can do this with a partner too. You can be upfront and be like, I think we should explore together. This is kind of like you're in a sex lab, so to speak. We don't really do this in research, don't worry, but it's like you too are experimenting on yourself and report back on how you like it. You can say it in the moment or you can kind of take a moment to process and tell them after. You can even incorporate different temperatures safely, toys and tools as long as you've talked about what you're doing and you do it safely and consensually, of course. And as long as you've learned a little bit about like don't just, you know, buy a pinwheel and go at it. You want to learn a little bit more about the harm and how to do things safely before you dive in. But like this is a really great way to build that language around this is what firm feels like to me. This is what soft feels like to me. And then your partner can also learn this is what firm feels like to them and et cetera. So remember the job here is again not to lead to an orgasm. You're exploring. You're like in a little cave. You're, you're researching. You're trying new things. You're in a lab. You're mixing potions. I also want to say this, facilitating an orgasm should feel great. It's like, wow, I'm so happy for. my partner, I'm happy that I could do that for them. It shouldn't be an ego trip. So if this is something that you're really having a hard time getting past or really have a hard time thinking about sex in this way, remember your worth in your sexuality and in your sexual self should be tied to more than just making someone orgasm without direction. Someone who's good in bed is patient, communicative, curious, and exploratory. And if you're able to make someone orgasm, but you're not those other things that can lead to a lot of tension.

And if you're only making your partner orgasm for your own ego trip, you don't really care about their pleasure overall or their overall satisfaction because that's only one part of it and that might be a hot take or an unpopular opinion but that's how I feel. So when mapping out these sensations we can create language around them and language around how they feel. I want it harder but not faster. I want you to do more pinpoint pleasure so can you do one finger on the clit instead of three like just just remove those two. Get to know your genital anatomy both in terms of reproductive health type of thing like really go and watch a crash course video about it, but also your own. Look at your own anatomy in the mirror. What do you like about it? You can get to a point where you're just neutral about it. You don't have to be body positive about it if that's difficult for you. Just come from a place of neutrality, but really get to know like, okay, so when I'm touching there, that's what it looks like, or that's where I'm touching. And remember, observational thinking, whatever comes up, let it go. So the next part of this is figuring out what type of language works for you.

You don’t have to repeat what you think you should sound like or what you should say. What do you like to call your genitals? Do you prefer to be specific like vulva, vagina, clitoris? Do you like slang terms like pussy, dick? Do you like vague terms like the outside, the inside, at the edge? Pick something that feels comfortable, but I would work towards something that at least is specific enough that your partner will know what you're saying. But overall, it should be something that feels safe to you and you can say with confidence. You might want to try this alone.

So for Amy, who is, remember, working on her body image, she realized that she was just always saying down there and like pointing while this works, it's not descriptive enough. She challenged herself and I'm proud of her for doing that. She wasn't comfortable with super specific anatomy, like saying like, like my vulva or my labia minora. And she's also not really comfortable with slang terms, like saying in my pussy, she's more comfortable with a mix of things. So she says more pressure on my clit and she also says I want you inside me. Like she uses kind of a mix of those specific and vague terms but she can say it now with more confidence and that's amazing and I'm happy she found the language that works for her because then she can communicate what she wants. So that leads us to our next step asking for what you want.

John, who's Amy's partner, remember he didn't have as much of an issue with talking about his genitals or like asking for direction and stuff like that but he was more afraid of rejection. He was afraid that Amy would judge him. He was afraid that if he wanted to try something that is a little kinky, she would be super turned off by it. John realized that if he modeled it for Amy, she may feel more comfortable and then they could open up their conversations more. Going from zero to 60 is really scary. So I understand that he would want to kind of introduce her to something and kind of test it out. I always say to people, just ask, but that's way easier said than done. So they started watching a series together that incorporated a variety of sexual scenes and topics. So think of something like shows like normal people, sex education, dying for sex, the new one that just came out, stuff like that. And so then they discuss after each episode, they watched like maybe an episode a night for a couple of weeks. They discussed what they felt, what was surprising to them, what was interesting to them, what's something that they want to learn more of. And he made sure not to bring any of this up in a joking way, even stuff he liked or disliked. He wasn't trying to be like, would be crazy if we did that, right? He was more like that was really interesting to me. That was actually kind of hot. And he phrased it like this. I'm curious if you'd be interested in exploring something like that with me. I have a feeling that I'd be really into it. This gives Amy the opportunity to respond on a scale. So she's not saying straight up. Yes, I'm super into that. No, I'm not into that. Or yes, I'm willing to try. No, I'm not willing to try. It's more like I'm, I am curious about exploring that. Let's talk about what that means.

But remember if you ask your partner, if they're curious about something, and they say no, it doesn't have to be an indicator that you're wrong in finding it hot. But you should also not try to convince your partner just because you want something really badly. If they really feel like they're not into it, it's not your job to convince them. And you can also work together to increase an understanding of the topics so they can see where you're coming from. Even if you open up to them about why you find it hot practice asking for what you want outside of the bedroom, because this will translate to what you're doing in your sex life. Practicing asking for what you want can also involve asking creative questions. So for example, if you want your partner to be more vocal in bed or you want more dirty talk, try letting them know that this is what's hot to you. So for example, I love hearing how much I'm turning you on or I want to hear how much this is turning you on. That's like a call to action if they don't do it already, or you can model it for them and then invite them to join in. Sometimes it'll be safer and more effective to ask for what you want during sex outside of the bedroom.

Especially if it's something kinky or involves something totally new. That doesn't mean just plant the seed and assume they're down for it next time you're in bed together. It means like you're talking to them about it because you want them to know what's on the table. You want them to see, you want to see where their boundaries are. You want to have those conversations not in the heat of the moment because when the adrenaline's pumping, they may do things and then later they're like, wait, we didn't discuss that. You're not going to be starting impact play without talking about it first.

So let's check in with Maria and Sam, the couple in their 40s who are more expressive but always are in a rut. Maria says to Sam after they were exploring, they redefined their satisfaction, they’ve been trying out some new things. She says to him, “I've recently realized that I find it super hot to be more in control. I don't exactly know what this looks like, but I want to play with this some more. Remember when I told you to get down on your knees? I've been thinking about that all week and it is just so exciting to me. How did that feel for you?”

Sam responds by telling her that he liked it too, but he isn't sure if he always wants that to be in their dynamic. He's not sure if he wants that to be their dynamic every time they have sex. Maria assures him that just because she wants to play with it doesn't mean that their sex life has to change completely or forever. It's just something that she wants to explore and she wants to know how willing he is to explore this more and what that could look like for them. That's a great way to communicate what you want and incorporate your partner into it and not set some ultimatum and have this open conversation. John, our friend who's nervous about being judged or rejected by his partner, Amy, starts building confidence with hers. He says, can I share a fantasy with you? It doesn't mean that I want to recreate it, but I do want to know how you feel about it. I find it really sexy, but I have to admit I'm a little nervous to share it with you. So Amy is happy that she he's sharing his feelings, right? But she's also a little afraid that this means that maybe she's not good enough. It's not enough what she's providing him, but she decides to listen anyway. The fantasy ends up being something she's never considered, but she says she's open to learning more about it. That's progress!

So instead of saying, sorry, if this is weird or sorry, I'm sharing this instead, try saying, thank you for listening. I feel really vulnerable sharing. So I appreciate it. Something along those lines. So the final step in communication, being able to communicate when you don't want something or when you don't like something is really vital. I want you to know what that feels like in your body and how you can express it comfortably. Practice saying no to things that you don't want outside of sex. Say no to things that you don't like or you don't want in general so that when it comes to sex you don't feel like it's so brand new. The reason why I want you to get comfortable saying no to things just as much as I want you to be comfortable saying yes to things is because when you can trust yourself and you can trust your partner to check in with you, then you create a better and safer place to try these new things. And you're more comfortable trying new things because you're aware of your own boundaries. Sometimes things happen. go too far. We have a miscommunication. We also want to be able to discuss those things openly together too. And also check in with your partner and make sure they're checking in on you, whether it's a one night stand or a long-term relationship. Consent doesn't have to be sexy, but it can be feeling safe, feeling respected and feeling heard. These are essential to be able to let go, to explore new things, and like I said to regroup when things don't go as planned. So just because a scenario didn't go as expected or something didn't feel as good as you'd hoped, it doesn't mean that it was a total failure. So sexual partners who turn towards each other in those moments are more likely to be able to play and explore and satisfy themselves. So the three steps in general we're gonna explore more erotically, we're going to redefine satisfaction. We're going to find your sex voice. This means you're figuring out what type of stuff you're into. You are figuring out what better sex feels like. And it means that you're able to communicate it with your partner. So this week in the bonus episode, I get really, really personal about all of these steps. You can go to beyondwithbirna.com to see how I did this for myself. But also I answered two important listener questions.

The first one is “how do I know if I’m erotically exploring or just conditioning myself to like something?” This is really important to discern and I give you some tips on how to figure that out. The second one is “I feel like I know what I want in sex but I can't get past using it as validation or proof that my partner likes me. Where do I go from here?” So again head to headto beyondwithbirna.com to sign up for members only exclusive content. It really helps the show keep going. I'm in sex ed, it's not always easy to monetize so I really appreciate viewers like you.

Follow or subscribe to make sure you're in the loop when I drop a workshop, more resources, or any short videos discussing really specific aspects of what I talked about today. And you can head to beyondthebedroom.org for more resources on satisfactory sex and for more articles, resources, and full podcast show notes. Thanks so much for tuning in to Beyond the Bedroom. If you're watching me here on YouTube, thank you. I'm new to the platform, so I appreciate it extra. And if you leave with anything today, I want you to remember that having better sex doesn't look one certain type of way and it doesn't always have to do with what you're doing. It's a lot of the time how you feel about it and it's about following what feels good. Okay, that's all for this week.