So I get a lot of questions about lesbian sex, and they're not just from lesbians. And what I mean by that is it's also people, of course, who may be bisexual or just identify as queer, or they have a vulva, their partner has a vulva. They want to know more about that. But also, a lot of straight people ask about lesbian sex, whether it's because they saw it in porn and they have questions, or they've never seen it and they have questions, or they might be a little curious themselves, right? So when I teach about vulva to vulva pleasure, it's really important to me to add a lot of context. Everything I teach has theory behind it. And for topics like this, it's really important for me to ditch heteronormative scripts. It's really important for me to kind of make the audience question is what they're doing really what they want to be doing, or are there new ways to explore and follow what feels good? So welcome back to beyond the bedroom. I'm so excited to talk today about the class I taught last week up at Harvard sex week called queer cliteracy. Gonna give you like a recap of how it went, and also discuss some of these points. It was a free class to attend, so I am really happy to talk about it in a podcast episode too. But I'm also going to be answering listener questions all about this type of sex. So vulva to vulva, whether you call it lesbian sex, whether you call it sapphic woman loving women, vulva to vulva, whatever language fits you, that's what we're talking about today. So Boston was really great. Just personal note to kind of get into things. Boston was really fun. I hadn't been there in a while, and as you guys heard last week, I had been there a ton, but my husband had never been. So it was really nice. We went, we stayed downtown the first night, and then the next night we went to Cambridge. It was actually really cute to walk around. It was extra cold the first day we were so he was like, “I don't know how much I like it”, because he does not like the cold, as you guys probably discerned! But we walked the Boston Commons, Newbury Street, did all the kind of touristy stuff, went to the harbor, all of that. We even had a lobster roll. He had it as warm because, you know, they really push that on you up there in Boston, but I had mine cold, which is the better choice. Alright, I'm from Connecticut. Don't take it up with me, alright? I don't make the rules. It's just the better one. The next day, we went to Cambridge. We went to a cafe called Faro or farro, F, A, R, O, that was so good. You guys know I love my little my little coffees, my little sweet treats, my little beautiful, overpriced, decadent little coffees that I don't have very often. I make coffee at home. It was so nice. It was like a vanilla chamomile latte. Oh, my God. Incredible, incredible. And I was surprised at how small everything kind of, like, everything's kind of close together. I thought it would be more spread out, but it was really similar to Georgetown in terms of, like, everything is kind of in its own little corner, like the science building is over here, and then this is, you know, the yard. I took some photos. I met some great people, and it was really cute. The Harvard Crimson did a little write up about sex week, and I got some quotes in there, so I'll link that article in the show notes. By the way, the show notes, the transcriptions, everything is is on a new website. It's the same URL, beyond the bedroom.org but we gave it a little face lift. It looks very cute. So if you ever need any of my links, if you ever need anything that I talk about in these episodes, I'm going to be starting to link longer show notes on my website there. So why did I name this queer cliteracy? So cliteracy is like, not a term I made up.

I think it was coined by Dr Laurie Mintz, but honestly, maybe people were saying it before, right? She has a great book called becoming cliterate. There's also people on social media that use it, you know. So I'm never gonna take credit for that term. But what I meant by queer cliteracy Is that we're getting clitorate. Of course, we're talking about the clitoris and vulva pleasure, but through a queer lens. And what does that mean? It means that instead of just mimicking exactly what someone with a penis would do, try to figure out the ways that your body can support it and find what feels good and follow what feels good without thinking about, Oh, I have to get into these, you know, positions that I know, or you know, work with what you have, right? So when you wear a strap on, you can close your legs and get into different positions than someone with a penis, right? You're, you're using it differently. It can be an extension of your body in a different way. You can use it, you know, either on your clitoris or on your mom's pubis, or put it in different positions. You can kind of try to experiment with it, and we talked a lot about those types of things. So why did I want to teach this course to begin with? Well, I remember when I was in high school and I was lucky enough to get an okay sex ed in terms of STIs and contraceptives and pregnancy. But I remember thinking that a lot of what I was learning about really had nothing to do with the sex that I was having with my girlfriend at the time. I mean, we weren't getting pregnant. We were trying, but we weren't, you know, and half of what I was learning about sex and pregnancy and STIs and pleasure, just it didn't apply. And throughout my career, which is like now a decade, which is wild in sex ed, I've been getting a lot of these questions and the questions that I wanted to address in my workshop, and I'm going to be touching on today, as well as taking, of course, your wonderful questions my listeners and by the way, side note, if you want to leave a question, you can do so anonymously through the link in the show notes of this episode. Or you can email me, or you can DM me on Instagram. There's also, like a little voice mailbox that you can give me your questions if you don't want to write them. But anyway, some of the most common questions I got about vulva and vulva sex is we have all the same parts, and I know what feels good for me, so why isn't it working on my partner? Right? This is such a common one, it's like, well, I can make myself come and I have a clitoris. So like, why can't I just do what I do on me, on her? Like, what's going on there? And then another one is, I don't know what counts as unprotected sex if we both have vaginas. That's so real. Because it's like, well, we talk about unprotected sex in terms of pregnancy, but it's like, what's the unprotected sex? Is it putting our genitals together? Is it sharing toys? Like, what is it exactly? And so I'm gonna go into what counts and answer some questions that my listeners gave me that are really specific about that. And the third thing I always heard, and I still hear all the time, is is scissoring real. And I developed this workshop and others like it, because I believe the answers can go beyond the heteronormative script about it, right? Queer, bisexual, lesbian, woman, loving women, sapphic, even if your partner is trans and has a vulva, but just I want to discuss V to V and V and V, vulvas, vaginas together. And I don't really care what language you use to talk about that. That's why I'm saying it's queer cliteracy. Like we have a broad spectrum of people for this, for whom this fits, right? So in the workshop, I really went through exactly what the anatomy is like. And I think something that's really interesting when I teach is the pleasure anatomy aspect of it. A lot of people are used to seeing especially like college kids, are used to seeing anatomy diagrams. But I'm like, well, we're gonna look at this and talk about what feels good about what we're looking at. So we're not just looking at it and being like, Okay, this is this structure. This is this type of tissue. This is this type of nerve. There's things that are missing from a lot of anatomy diagrams as well, the bartholins glands, the Skenes glands, these are arousal lubrication that the vulva. It's on the vulva. It's not inside the vagina. The bartholins glands are like right on either side of the vagina. The skeins glands aren't right on either side of the urethra. So this is where a lot of the lubrication comes from, on the vulva itself. But people don't know about that. A lot of people, even who have gone through anatomy courses, they don't spend a lot of time looking at that. So when we talk about the clitoris also, it's like we're not always talking about how analogous tissue with the penis. We often tend to focus a lot, in sex ed too, on just the visible part of the clit, which is incredible. But what I mean by queer cliteracy is also like, finding the clit is, like, usually not the hardest part.

It's knowing what to do when you're there and how to also expand past that, like, a lot of the time, like you're already kind of there. What else is going on? How else can we make each other feel good? The clitoris is not just, you know, what we see, it's also behind the labia. It's on that, you know, around the vaginal opening and the frontal wall of the vagina. So I spent a lot of time talking about how the vulva becomes erect and we have erections at night time, just like the penis. I also spent a lot.

The time talking about labia shapes and sizes, and how clitoral heights men lengths may vary, and how that can influence, like, why a toy that works really well for you just doesn't work for your partner. So you're not, like, sharing it well, or like your genitals, like, have different, you know, shapes and sizes. So something that might feel really good for you just isn't feeling good for them. And as you've heard me talk about on this podcast, and I'm not going to get too much into it, I talked about the CUV complex theory, which is like the clitoral, urethral, vaginal complex, which is what I call the g spot, because it's not like real in the way that we talk about the g spot, in terms of it's like, it's not as it's not its own organ. It's like an intersection of these three things. So it's the clitoris, it's the urethral sponge, which is this, like tissue around the urinary tract, and then the vagina, the vaginal wall. When people ask me about lesbian sex, they often also ask me about squirting, and it's like, yeah, some people may find it really pleasurable to touch this area. Some people might squirt, but it's like, that's not the only way to signal somebody is having a great time. Some people squirt and they're like, I don't know. I don't really feel that much from it. Other people, it's aligning with their orgasm, or really close by their orgasm, and it feels incredible, right? So you don't need to squirt or make someone squirt. It's also like, I really hammer this point, and especially with college age like young adults, sex is not a competition, it's not a collection of hat tricks. And when men ask me about they're like, asking, oh, like, I want to know about lesbian sex, or like, I want to learn how to go down on someone from a lesbian I'm like, that's great. But at the same time, it's like, you, part of what we're talking about is not memorizing tips and tricks. Like, a lot of it is like, I'm going to show you how to do things. I'm gonna show you what feels good and how to mimic these sensations. And of course, I'm gonna give you lots of ideas, like, I'm gonna literally finger, like, one of those, like vulva silicone models in front of you, right? But that doesn't mean you have to do exactly this. Like, there's no magic buttons on the vulva, necessarily, right? You have to communicate. You have to kind of receive and give at the same time, like the Yin Yang symbol. There's a little bit of giving and receiving and vice versa, right? I really want to change the way that we discuss pleasure, and we don't think of it as like the vulva has this machinery manual. It's more like, I'm giving you recipes, and you're a home cook, and you can kind of tweak them as you go. So I won't get into like, exactly like the tips and tricks I talked about in this class, but I did a lot of stuff about touch types, how to do things with your mouth, how to do things with your fingers, and, of course, went over positions. So a big point in this is, is scissoring real? So, yeah, I talked about tribbing, and this was, I think, my favorite part of the workshop, and it is so exciting to always talk about it, because this is kind of like a yes and no. So consider this like the first listener question, even though no one specifically asked this this week. It's something I get all the time, and it's a really divisive issue, even for people, lesbians, bisexual, sapphics, vulva on vulva, sex havers and enjoyers.

Some people are like, yes, scissoring is real. No. Scissoring is not real. We never do that. We never do anything like that. So why is there this big divide, and why is there like no real consensus, right? So let me break it down, tribbing, tribadism, also known as tribbing, is very real. It involves grinding on another vulva or on a thigh their hip, but it usually involves genitals touching in some way, but they don't have to touch. It's more like you're grinding up against each other. You're rubbing and grinding on each other at the same time. So it doesn't have to be like You're like, I see this a lot, where it's like your lips are interlocking. And I'm like, that's not really what's going on always for people, right? What we see in terms of scissoring depicted in media is often two people laying down like their heads both down legs literally interlocking, like they're sideways and they're somehow bumping their vaginal openings together, and that's just not how it works for like the majority of people, it's a very penetrative, centric and misled idea that somehow, like the vaginal openings must touch, or like your lips must lock right and that's not.

Really what it feels like and looks like for people that are tribbing. I mean, it's like, you're not bumping up and like it's it's not that like thrusting, bumping movement that a lot of people assume something that feels good for the vulva is this rubbing and grinding motion. So that's why a lot of the time you'll see, like Cosmo sex tip, when you get on top of someone with a penis, you need to rub and grind against them as much as you can, because you're getting clitoral stimulation. So that's usually more so what is going on when people are tripping? So I talked a lot about positions, so like, it looks a little bit more like missionary position or cowgirl, I guess, you know, than something like, we're you're both laying down, just vaginas facing each other. Like, that's just not really what's going on. And for a lot of people, just the thought of your vulvas. Touching is so incredibly sexy, and it is such a huge turn on. Like, this might not be the thing that leads you to an orgasm. Do you know what I mean? Like, you might just be doing this because it feels good mentally. Also, like it's like, oh my god, we're touching, you know? And people's vulva anatomy, their body size, their ability, their flexibility, it can all play into how and if they want to do this. And some people also have really sensitive vulvas or clitorises, so they don't really enjoy the grinding, but they like that kind of soft, kind of rubbing up against each other. Or they just like the idea of feeling how wet the other person is, you know, like, that type of thing. So it's not the same thing as, like, we learn it's like, when your genitals are touching in a heteronormative script, right, when the genitals touch, the penis goes inside and then you come. But it's like, that's not necessarily always what's gonna happen. You could rub and grind up against each other to the point where you will orgasm. But it's also like, not really the whole point of tribbing, like it's also just enjoyable and sensual experience and creates intimacy. Some people do it while they're making out, and some people do it in between doing other things. Not everything you do during sex will bring you to orgasm, and that's fine, because we're not really chasing orgasms. And this is the thing also, where a lot of lesbians, especially like or really anybody who has volatile vulva sex, they will have this pressure, this, like internalized pressure, where it's like, lesbian sex is supposed to last for hours, and it has to be like, really good, and I have to make them come, like, eight times in a row, or else I'm not a good lesbian. And it's like, who take a moment, right? We are not chasing the orgasms. We're following what feels good. So if rubbing vulvas feels amazing, go ahead and do it. If it's not really your thing, that's fine. You're both equally. Has queer in your own right. Like, we have to stop assigning these, first of all, these, like, moral judgments, like, oh, well, then you're not really gay enough. It's like, well, what the hell does that mean, you know, and what is, what does that mean for the other person? Right? So with that being said, because I love talking about tribbing, it's so fun to talk about, I want to talk about some really specific listener questions. So question number one, I love wearing a strap on, and my girlfriend loves things on the bigger side. How do I keep the harness from sagging? It gets hard to control the heavier it is, yes, so it definitely gets heavier to control. I mean, harder to control the heavier it becomes, right? So I have a couple tips, but first I want to discuss just harnesses in general, for people who might not know so harnesses and straps, you don't need penetration at all in order to have real or good or valid sex, but toys and tools like this can be really affirming for people, like in terms of gender affirmation, or just exciting and fun for a lot of people, it's also like different type of power play. It's a different type of sensation seeking. It's just fun and and it's just yeah, like, also it's like, it doesn't need to have a reason, like, it just feels good, you know? But when you're choosing a harness, ask yourself, what is the most important to you? Are you choosing a harness that you're going to be using all the time, so you need it to be, like, durable and washable. Or are you choosing a harness that needs to be able to handle like a long, heavy dildo. So this listener, specifically for you, I would say, get something like in a squishier material. So a lot of the time these like, really dense silicone dildos can be very heavy. There are things that are in a bigger size that are made with, like, I'm not talking about the jelly dildos, because those were ditching they have, like, they're made out of things that might leak. They might be porous, we're not doing those. But in terms of the different types of silicone, sometimes, like dual density dildos can be a little bit lighter, but also things that are just softer, like they can be, I know, dill dolls has a really great one that is, like softer. Knox shop has one that's like softer, but they're not that big. So like, they are big, they're seven inches. But I'm saying like, it seems like your partner likes something girthier. So when you want something that is going to end up being heavy, no matter what, you want to maybe get something that has a triangle base. So it's either triangle or, like a diamond base. And this has, like a wider surface area, and it's flat against your body. So then you can strap it really tight against your body. So when you're picking a harness, you might not want to get the type that's like, the squishy kind of underwear type. You might want to get something that has adjustable straps that go like, underneath both butt cheek that you can like strap really tight to you, because the tighter it is to you, the easier it's going to be to control, and the wider the surface area of that dildo is, the better it is. So don't get something with like a suction cup, unless you like that sensation. And maybe also get something that has a metal ring, because that metal ring is going to keep it really stable as well, and then you're going to be able to feel where it is, no matter what. Practice with it solo. Get Comfortable slipping it on. Get comfortable adjusting it. Some people like to let it sit right on their clit. And if that's you, then maybe the heavier one needs to just kind of be adjusted so it's a little bit higher, and then you can put, like a bumper or some sort of squishy kind of pad or a toy or something on your clit instead, because it might just be hard to control if it's so far low, and then you don't have to pump it back and forth with your hips. So I kind of discussed this earlier, but you can use, like, what you have, like, if you have a lower center of gravity, like, use that to your advantage. You can engage your butt muscles and your inner thigh muscles. You can use your pelvic tilt. You don't have to hammer it in to be pleasurable. You can work with angles. You can prop them up on a pillow and play with the types of depth. You can kind of grind against each other. You can try to figure out how to enjoy that larger toy without it having to be kind of like Jack hammered in that can also help a lot as well. Okay, so the next question, I want to add a finger vibe, but I've tried a bunch of them, and they make it somehow harder to touch the clit and finger at the same time. Any suggestions for something that stays on but doesn't get in the way? Oh, yes. So I can make a lot of suggestions right now, but like, specifically you want something that slips over your fingers, I am gonna suggest something, and I need you to hold off on reacting until I'm done explaining. Okay, so there's a lot of finger vibes that are just like, not that good. They're not that buzz like, they're buzzy, they're not that rumbly. They kind of just stay on your finger, and they don't do much, right? Some people swear by them. A lot of people are just like, uh, not my thing. So I suggest getting a vibrating cock ring that has, like, a really large vibrating part. My favorite one for this is the satisfier mighty, yeah, it's called the satisfier, mighty one. I just had to google it, and it's like Bluetooth controlled, which is really funny. Just bear with me. You can put it on your fingers, so, like it's at the base of your like two of your fingers. So then when you are fingering them, the vibrating part touches their clit. So then you can press the vibrating part like more with your thumb, and then you can either go, like in and out, or you can just flick up or thrust or like whatever. And the vibrating part will stay on their clip, because it's like big enough to do that, but your fingers are free to do like whatever inside of them. I'm gonna link it in the show notes. I have no affiliation with satisfier at all. So this is not gonna, like, help me, but it is something that people like, when I worked at los de like, people would come in and, like, try different finger vibes, and they're like, I don't know. This is not really like what I'm looking for. And then I would suggest this. And they're like, oh yes, because, like, I can be vibe, putting the vibration on their clit, and it's like, powerful one. But I also, like my fingers, either the ones that aren't connected to the cock ring, or, you know, the ones that are are and they're just inside of her, can kind of do their own thing.

It's amazing. Okay?

It's incredible. And 10 out of 10. And if you don't want something like that, I would suggest a suction finger vibe. So let me see, let me I'm going to Mr. Google again, be less finger vibe, yes. So the finger pro by Bellesa, it slips onto just one finger, and I suggest putting it on your middle finger, and it has like a little flicker in the middle, and then also little nubs. I personally have not tried this one. I have a lot of stuff from Bellesa, but I haven't tried this one. But people really, really tend to love it. It's not really suction-ey, but it's like flickery. And it's not just, it's not just vibrating, it like has movement. So, you know, I think, I think it's like, does a little bit more than the average finger vibe, and since it only slips onto like one finger and it stays in place, then the rest of your hand is just happy to explore. So something I get asked a lot, and this is not necessarily a listener question, it's just something I'm asked at least once a month is, how in like vulva to vulva sex? How do we share toys and tools? So I'm going to be talking about like the risks and like the STI and the infection risks and stuff after this. But for right now, we're focusing on the pleasure aspect. So a lot of people, when they when they think about, like, lesbian sex toys, they think about just strap ons, double dildos. That's like, about it, right? I suggest a lot more thigh strap ons with like, a vibrating pad attached to them. So like, if you or your partner like to rub up against each other's thighs, like, this really makes it like so much better, and you don't have to move around as much. You know, especially for people like, toys are such a huge accessibility tool in sex. Like, it's incredible. So if you just don't like all that movement all the time, then this is a good way to kind of do less but achieve more. You know what I mean? So you can get a thigh strap on and put a dildo in there, or you can get, like a squishy, vibrating toy. So there's ones, I think they're called, like vibe pads. I can link that also broad doesn't always equal stronger. So when you're sharing a toy, it can be good to get something that's bigger. A lot of people are afraid of these bigger toys, like wands or even just things like vibe pads and stuff, because they assume, Oh, that's going to be like, way too intense. But I want to remind people that broad sensations can sometimes be less intense for people because they're not as focused just on the clit. So if you have a wand toy, like the magic wand or Ollie from Unbound, which side note, you can get ollie with a discount using my code at unboundbabes.com you can use code B, B, I R N, A (BBIRNA) for a discount and help support the podcast. So let's pretend that you went, you finally got Ollie for yourself and found out what the hell I was always hyping it up for. And you're like, Oh, I see stars like, this is incredible. Anyway, you bring it to your pal history will say that they're just roommates, and you share it. You put it in between your vulva, you lube yourself or the toy, or both up, and then you can be kissing face to face, either sitting up or, like, sitting against the bed frame, and like the other person's kind of, you know, legs apart, and you can rub against one another, with the toy in between you sharing a magic wand. And this is gonna, this is gonna make me sound not just bisexual, but like the gayest person to ever live. It is like a spiritual experience. Okay, it is. You can that's, that's my take on it. It's a spiritual experience to rub a rub up against a magic wand style toy, like Ollie, for example, which is waterproof.

I mean, unbelievable. And then you can, like, take turns, like, with the settings. And if you're not into that, though, like, if you if one person is like, it's way too intense for me the other person, what you can also do is put like a silicone sleeve on it, or you can put like a bumper, or you can have one person put it on their clit, and then the other person can kind of trib against the thigh, and so it's like nearby, and it can, kind of like you, you get some of the sensation, or you can press your vulva up against theirs, but like, not on the toy, you'll figure it out. You'll know what I mean. Okay, that'll do it. You know? That'll do it, especially if you're like, making out at the same time.

Dear Lord, is it warm in this podcast studio, or is it just the lesbian sex I'm talking about? Anyway, you can use the toys also solo. You can take turns. You can, like, share them. You can use them at the same time. Like, just like, you don't always have to be doing everything at the same time. I think, like, also, we think about, like, the double dildo and, like all that stuff. You can also just like, suction cup, like two dildos that you individually like, like, not everyone likes the same type of thing. If you put the suction cups against one another, then yay. You have the double dildo, you know. But you don't always have to be, like, using something that's touching or like sharing it like that. You can also just like, share a really small bullet vibe, you know, like, just share something that you can like, maybe be spooning and like it goes on one person on the other person on the, you know, back and forth, or literally, be using it at the same time by pressing your genitals up against it at the same time. So just follow what feels good there. So this kind of leads me into this next question, what is the actual risk for lesbian sex in terms of STIs? What counts as unprotected sex if we both have vaginas? So this is the way that I pose the question. When I'm teaching classes, I'm like, what counts as unprotected sex if both people have vaginas? Because I used lesbian sex, like, jokingly earlier, but it is something that people use all the time, even if they're not specifically talking about just lesbians, because when we talk about it, like, oh, lesbian sex has this risk in terms of, like, STI mitigation and stuff, a lot of people I talk to will be like, yeah, like, I hooked up with a lot of girls in college, but I'm not gay. And I'm like, okay, like, you know it's they wouldn't necessarily categorize themselves as someone who engages in lesbian sex. So it's, like, really important to talk about it in a really broad term, also because people like me that are bisexual exist, and it's not the only type of sex that we're engaging in. So in terms of what counts as unprotected sex if you both have vaginas, obviously, all the stuff that I've been talking about, mouth on genitals and genital on genitals, so tribbing, but also stuff like sharing toys, like not just you're putting it in between your genitals, but also, let's say, you know, I have a dildo that I'm using on someone, and then they turn around and use it on me. Technically, speaking, you're having unprotected sex. So something that's going in someone's vagina and then going into someone else's vagina, here's where we get into, like, a different territory, also where it's, like, it's not just STIs. So any type of vulva and vulva sex, whether it's going down on someone, tribbing, just, you know, sharing toys, whatever it is, there are risks of spreading STIs that are bacterial, viral and fungal. So skin to skin contact, can spread things like HPV, which causes cervical cancer and other kind of mucus cancers like the throat and the rectum, right? But also it causes in some strange genital warts. So that's one of the risks. And then also skin to skin can cause HSV one and two, which are whether you're going down on someone and you had a cold sore, you can give them herpes, that's HSV, or you are rubbing up against one another again, you can spread herpes. And you don't necessarily have to have an active sore. You can have some viral shedding and like that, can spread it. So it's really important that if you've had any sort of lesion or wart or blister or anything, even if you're like, Oh, we were just rubbing up against each other really intensely. Go get it checked out, because, you know, you don't there. There is this myth that like, oh, there's like, no STI risks for, quote, lesbian sex. And that's just not true. There obviously is STI risks with every type of sexual behavior. So not sure why we get that kind of thing right, but in terms of what counts as unprotected sex, really just anything that involves skin to skin contact, whether it's your mouth to their genitals or genitals to genitals like I mentioned, or fluid sharing. So it's not just STIs like I mentioned, if one person has yeast infection, they can spread that yeast infection to the other person by sharing a toy. Also, if one person is, you know, putting it in their vagina, and then the other person's putting in their vagina, in their vagina, even if the first person didn't have signs of a yeast infection, sometimes what happens is the vaginal flora will change and the pH will change. And pH changes don't necessarily always lead to infection. That's not an infection in itself. But what happens is that it can cause different bacteria or fungus that naturally occurs in the vagina to overgrow, and that's when you run into problems like bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections. So some people who engage in vulva to vulva sex run into this like chronic cycle of yeast infections and UTIs, and they're like, What am I doing wrong? And there's often this, this, like rep online, where it's like, well, if you're having sex with men, like, that's the reason. And they can get really confused, right? Because it's like, well, what am I doing wrong? And then they are afraid to have oral sex with someone, because they're like, Oh, I'm gonna get a UTI, or they're afraid to, you know, let someone finger them because they're like, I don't know, like, if your hands are clean, and it can be really stressful. So what I suggest is you can put condoms on toys. You can also use things like dental dams, of course, but also latex underwear, like laurels, which I've mentioned 100 times. Um, but also you can swap out toys completely, if you don't want to be like putting condoms on them. If one person has the purple dildo, the other one has the blue dildo, and you don't ever swap them inside of each other's vaginas, that can be a huge like a game changer for people. So just to like recap, vulva owners can spread STIs to each other, whether it's sharing toys, skin to skin, oral. So get checked even if you don't feel any symptoms, because the most common symptom, of course, is having no symptom at all. So you can also ask for oral swabs. I know this is like hard, because obviously insurance and testing in America, it's like a whole thing. It's not usually done. So if you say, you know, I would also like an oral swab. It's because you want to check for things like chlamydia or HPV in your mouth and throat, because they can be spread orally as well. You should be washing your toys before and after every use. And if you are not going to be washing them before, you have to do it after and then store them away from other toys and away from other things. You can even put them in their own little bags. But it's really important to remember like STIs are common, they are treatable, they are manageable. The more we talk about it, the better it's gonna get for all of us. But I think overall, we have to ditch this myth. I just hear this all the time where it's like, oh, you know, like having sex with girls, like it just isn't as much of an STI risk and as well, yes and no, there's really important factors there that I think, I think we can do better about talking about the STI risks of having any type of unprotected sex. People get it confused, because it's like, there's not a pregnancy risk. That doesn't mean it's a totally risk free all types of unprotected sex carries risks, obviously. So follow up to that, is it okay to be sharing toys with every partner?

I hear this a lot where it's like, is it okay if I use the same strap on I did with my previous partner? Here's what I'll say, it's a really personal thing. Like, some people are like, if that's been in your ex girlfriend, I don't want it in me, not just because of, like, STI risk or whatever, but also things like, it's personal. Like, I want us to have our own thing. And people will often be like, well, if it was a man, like, their penis has been inside their ex girlfriend. So like, what does it matter? Yeah, but like, it's not a man. And sometimes toys, anything that goes inside, can feel very personal and very intimate, and it's okay to want your own thing with your own preferences. If you're the type of person that like, carries the strap with you and you're using it on a lot of people, it's okay to put a condom on there and just an un-lubricated condom, and add your own lube. It's also okay to be like, Hey, I'm gonna wash it. You should be boiling it if it's silicone, especially like it's safe, to boil it for a couple minutes to really make sure it's sterile. And toys can spread things like HPV, especially like if they're not washed well. So we want to be really careful with sharing with a lot of different partners, right? But if you're like, you know, I have these things and I wish chair. I want to share them with my partner. I think, like, the golden rule is with new partners, maybe don't go vagina to vagina sharing right away. If it's stuff like, you know, vibrator, suction toys, etc, like that are on the vulva, they don't insert ever. I think that's way easier to share also, and it poses less of a risk of, like, any sort of vaginal pH change, stuff like that, if you're really sensitive to it. And in terms of, like, just person, it's like, it, I know sex toys can be expensive, so it's something that it's okay to discuss and be like, Hey, I have this. I want to use it on you. Like, make it like you don't have to be like, Hey, I use this with other people. Can I use it on you? But you can be like, I have this, and I want to use it on you. What do you think about it? And if they ask, of course, be like, Yeah, I've used it with other people. How does that make you feel like we can use something else? Like, end of story. But there are, like, I said, there's ways to protect the toy as like, a barrier method, and then also, it's really easy to swap it out, like, if you want to use a vibrator on your partner, keep in mind, it's basically the same, though, as, like, unprotected fluids. So if fluid from you is getting on them, like vaginal lubrication, anything, it's technically unprotected sex. And I know this is like, kind of a shock to some people, because they'll be like, Well, my friend and I, like, we made out and we were drinking, we made out and we, like, shared a vibrator. I'm like, Well, yeah, that's technically, like, unprotected sex, and it can be really shocking to people. And I'm like, Well, you know, I think everyone has a different definition of what sex is, which is why, like, teaching with, for me, teaching with, like, a queer theory behind it is so important, because I'm trying to say, like, oral sex is sex, manual sex, which is like, fingering is sex. Anal sex is sex. Like sharing toys is sexual behavior. Like you're not having intercourse, but you're still engaging in some sort of sexual behavior. You're having sex. You know, I think a lot of people ask about this type of sex for a lot of different reasons. One, because, obviously there's not a lot of great representation of what intimate, passionate, real vulva to vulva, lesbian, sapphic woman, loving woman, whatever words you want to use, here. Insert here. Sex looks like. And I think it's also, there are a lot of people who grew up thinking sex is one way, whether that is just, it's between a man and a woman, or it's just, it goes even beyond that. Like sex is penetration. Sex is, you know, we call it intercourse and outer, course. And I'm like, Well, what else is there? Like? Can we use different words? Because sometimes you're going in and then around, then and out, and then it like, you know, and people also ask about this type of sex because they're curious about it, and they find it hot, and they're not sure why they find it hot, and maybe they don't want to engage in it, but they like watching it, and they're curious about what they're watching is real. What they've heard about in movies is real. And I think it, a lot of it is, like, dependent on, well, when is it over? If you can come over and over again, then when is it over? Who decides when it's over? And then people are really interested in, just like the dynamics of, like, what's a stone top, what's a butch, who? What's a top and what's a bottom, what? What is that? You know, what's a femme, what's a mask, and a lot of it is like, tied up in, well, I need to know the rules, and I understand that you know these rules and these ways of identifying yourself is extremely important. But when it comes to sex, sometimes it doesn't have to translate perfectly. It doesn't have to translate at all really. People are sometimes really surprised when someone who's very feminine presenting like, Oh, she's the femme. She must be the bottom. And it's like, Well, that does not have to be the case at all. You know, someone who's like, super feminine presenting can still be a stone top, meaning, like, you know, maybe they don't want to be touched down there at all. They they just want to be the one giving. They don't even want to receive. They're like, a no touch type of person. That's not always the case. What I'm trying to say is that, because there's not as much of a script to follow, people tend to really feel overwhelmed because there are so many possibilities, and you have to know yourself and know what you want, and that can be very scary for people. So that's why, when I teach these classes about vulva pleasure and queer pleasure, and it's really my job to make sure that you feel you can explore. You can talk to your partner about if something's feeling good. You can follow it. You can explore. You can be curious, something I hear a lot from people who thought they were straight for a really long time, especially like older women later in life coming out, and they're experiencing things for the first time. Something I hear a lot is like, I just relaxed. I didn't realize sex was so relaxing. Like, yeah, it can be very relaxing when there's not this pressure. She comes first, and then I do or, like, you know what I mean? It's like, I have to get this in before it ends. And I think that there's a lesson there for like, everybody, and so that's why I always invite people, depending on the situation, like, if I'm specifically coming to like, a LGBTQ community center, I'm not going to do this, but at a college campus, I'll be like, everyone is invited. Just so you know, I'm speaking specifically to the queer people in the audience, so it might not all resonate with you, but take what you can and leave what you don't, you know. Because I think there's a lot of lessons to be learned in terms of how to figure out what feels good, how to follow it, how to ditch these scripts that we've been taught and experience what really there is to connect over in terms of physicality and intimacy. The passion doesn't have to be aggressive, but it can be. What does that feel like? You know, and I know I would, I said I wasn't gonna get too heady, but I can't help myself, right? I can't help myself. That's what I do, and I'm gonna have some more educational stuff, like what's a strapless strap on and how to choose the right harness for you, and more tips and tricks about like oral and things, because they require visuals. I feel have that coming soon. So I know you guys want as much sex ed content as possible. For me, I do almost everything, all of this for free, so obviously it's just gonna be a little bit more sparse while that's still the case. But at the same time, I think sex ed really is like a life of service for a lot of us. Next week is gonna be a really fun one. I think after the election, no matter what you're feeling, I think we all need to take our mind off of it, and next week is going to be the episode for that. Remember to use my code, B, B, I R N, A, that's BBIRNA at unbound babes this episode, I talked about Ollie, but honestly, they have this dildo that's incredible for strap ons. So go check that out. I'll link that in the show notes. You can go to beyond the bedroom.org to see everything I talked about today. Look at the transcript, look at the show notes, and if you like my podcast, share it. Share it with a friend. Share it with a partner. Share it with that guy. You go sit on hinge. I don't know. Maybe he could learn a thing or two, you know, all right, thanks for listening. Sending you all my love from Brooklyn.