Sporty sex and sexy sports, that's the topic everybody's talking about. Everyone's talking about challengers. Everyone's asking me questions about these three fruity little people in the movies. Everyone wants to know what my take is, how I feel about it. And I'm also going to be discussing some very challengers themed questions about communication, about having two fruity little boyfriends, perhaps, and a little bit more. So let's get into it. Welcome back to beyond the bedroom. I'm Birna. I'm a sex educator, and I love answering your questions. Keep sending them in. I've had some really fun ones this week. I've had actually kind of a hard time picking them. I got some long ones too, like y'all are really letting me know the details of your intimate lives, but I'm here for it. I'm I'm excited to get into it, but yeah, I saw challengers, like two weeks ago. I have seen it a few more times since, which probably helps you understand how I feel about the movie. I really did like it. I also feel like it's one of those movies where the really artsy people, the really nerdy film critic people, are pretending that they're, like, really into just the cinematography. And I'm like, you want to see those boys kiss? Just admit it like the rest of us, like, grow up seriously.

I think also, it's really fun that, in general, everyone has been talking for like, months now, about how Gen Z hates sex scenes. “They're so prudish, they’re so uptight”, and yes, I contributed a think piece to that, maybe. But in general, like they're eating it up. This is the horniest movie I've seen in a long time, and they're loving it. And also just stuff like bridgerton, stuff like a lot of crazy sex scene stuff going on on Netflix and in the movies. So does Gen Z really hate sex scenes? I don't know. I think they more so are fighting against a lot of the stuff that they grew up hearing. And also it kind of feels like an over correction, but I'll get into that first. I do want to give a little recap of challengers. If you haven't seen it, don't worry. I'm not gonna spoil it, but you probably have seen, like, the trailers, the previews, all of that. So you've definitely seen that shot of Zendaya in the middle and those two boys kissing her, I think, like she turns to one of them, kisses them, turns the other one and kisses him. And then there's a shot of like, the two of them kissing her neck. That is the stuff that like has been setting social media on fire, especially because people don't really know the context of the movie, but it's just a movie about tennis and nothing else. That's it. It's a sporty movie. It's a movie about sports. So if you're into sports, you will love the movie. And I think the dynamic like that has been explored before, right? Two boys pining after the same girl, yearning for this hot lady that's definitely been explored before, and also the dynamic of like the two of them kind of in this triangle. But what makes this one a little bit different is that I don't know if I've seen a movie explore the dynamic of like her being so in charge. And I think a lot of the time, it's always like we're fighting over the girl, but in this scenario, it's a little bit more like she's kind of the mastermind behind everything. And I don't want to say more, because I don't want to give it away, but the homoerotic element of it is what makes it really exciting, and not just for me, but like in general, because it's the same director that did call me by your name. So of course, people are gonna be expecting something like that. And it delivered. It really delivered. There is a scene where they're in the sauna, these two skinny white guys are so freaking cute. And I was like, I was not expecting me so turned on by them. I'm like, What the What is going on? What is going on? Who are they? Like, who am I? It was a lot. But yes, the previews and the trailers suggest a lot of heat. It does deliver, like I said, it's the horniest movie I've seen in so long, and there's not really any sex scenes, which is also really interesting. So, yeah, let's talk about that. Why is Gen Z so anti sex scene? I mean, like, according to The Cut and the New York Times and like, everybody right now, they're acting like Gen Z is, like, “if you show me sex I will be driven to homicide”, like I don't understand why everyone's going so hard on them, but as someone who taught Gen Z sex ed, someone who interacts a lot with Gen Z, I still kind of teach them. It's more like younger millennials and older millennials now, but I do have an ear to the ground a little bit for this. And I think what's happening for girls that are Gen Z, which is like people born, I think because, like, I'm born 1995 I think Gen Z starts in 97 until, like 2012 but don't quote me on that, but I think that's like the general consensus. And Generation Alpha starts like after that, which is such a funny little name for them. But I think that generation grew up with social media just in their lives, just present all the time, except for like, on the older edge of it, I don't remember a time without internet, but they don't really remember a time without any social media, and that's kind of a distinction there. I think there's this prevalent idea where like, anything you post is going to be online forever. They're way more conscious about their like digital footprint. When I was in high school, we were uploading our entire camera rolls to Facebook like that was normal behavior. It was the worst photo anyone had ever taken to me, and I was, like, very proud to show it off. It was like, no matter what you know, but I think for them, they're a lot more conscious. They kind of curate themselves online a lot more, and they're a lot more precise with how they show up in a sexual way. As a result, they're also told, from a young age, there's predators. They're gonna come after you. Just be very careful anyone you talk to online. And that kind of informs this too, where it's like, we have to be careful all the time. People are always out to get us, which isn't entirely false. I mean, like, yeah, of course, you don't want your kids to be talking to strangers of you know, but at the same time, it's like that dynamic is really interesting, when suddenly they start to learn everything online, but then it's like they're also getting their sex ed online, and then it's this thing where it's like, there's a lot of moderation and then censorship, and then it's like, well, we're talking about sex, but we have to use all these euphemisms because the content’s moderated. They can't, like, say vagina. So then, in real life, when I'm teaching them, they're asking me a question, and they're going, you know, like “the vagine”, like “the V” they're, like, covering their mouths, and I'm like, you can say vagina. We're not on Facebook. Like, it's okay. They kind of have this perception of sex that's very different than generations before. Does that mean they're all anti sex scene, no, but I think it is an over correction of what was going on in the early 2000s where it was just sex sells. Sex was in everything. Like, you would look at a commercial for male deodorant and there'd be, like, four boobs in the photo. You're just like, okay, like it was everywhere. And so I think for a lot of girls, they're fighting against this constant pressure of being objectified, especially when, like, you're posting your whole life online, and it's subject to critique, subject to creepy men in your DMS when you're like, 16. I get it, you know, I think we should not be as harsh on them for being prudish, because I understand where it comes from. But for the boys, I think it's a little different. I think they are fighting against this over correction from the girls, where it's like, What do you mean? You don't want to see sex, and it's like, because for them, sex is so easily accessible online, like, of course, you can just look up porn and all that. But it's also in social media, like sex is still selling. In that regard, they're in the kind of generation of having a crush on a girl in college and she could have an only fans page. It's really a different time than when people were online in the early 2000s I think it's really interesting too to see the wave of feminism that's coming, and then this overcorrection from the boys, where it's like, now they hate gender parity in sex it's like, they don't hate sex scenes, but they don't like how equal it's getting. And that's something that I've picked up on a lot when I'm teaching them, they're saying stuff like, well, the female orgasm is a myth. And, like, this is how I know, and stuff like that, where I'm like, this is new. This is very new. And just kind of punching down, and that's a generalization. There's a lot of really great boys in Gen Z that are very open and accepting and compassionate, and I love seeing that. Because I'm like, Yeah, of course, it's harder to do this now. So it's it's really great. And I think for queer people in Gen Z, there's a whole nother layer to this where it's like they've been fighting for representation in media and film, along with everyone else, for a long time. When we finally see queer film, it's very sexual, and then they're kind of pushing against this narrative, because it's like we're seeing laws in this country where people are reduced to their genitals when they come out as trans, all of a sudden it's like you can't talk about your sexuality or your gender, orientation or your identity without it being reduced to that. So I think there is a lot of extremes here, because they have to be there's extremes happening all the time. There's extremes online, there's extremes in politics, and they're very vocal, but I don't think they're more vocal than other generations. I think we're just hearing their voice a little bit more. So yeah, prudish Gen Z, I don't know if it fully exists, but I. Kind of understand the ones that are like this. They're also young. I mean, people were weird about sex when I was in high school. People were weird about sex when my mom was in high school. That's just how it is to be young and freaked out by something so new. But Gen Z loves erotic literature. They're reading all those smut books. They're all over, go to booktok on Tiktok. They're talking about sucking and fucking in those books. Like they're, they're no prudes there. They're also really into audio erotica. They are, like, the huge, like, the just the biggest demographic of that stuff. Like Quinn is really popular for them. And then they also love sex toys, like, they're huge demographic for that. Like, people always thought that when I worked at lost it. People thought it was always going to be like older people only in the store, but I got a lot of Gen Z. We actually didn't even have like, a age limit, because it was great to see people that were like, 1617, come in and ask questions and talk about the stuff that they didn't get in sex ed, about, like, how do I know if I've had an orgasm, or is it okay if I, like, want to do stuff, but not penetration? Like, how do I talk about that? And especially queer sex? It's like, how am I supposed to stay safe? Like, can girls give me an STI even though I'm a girl? And that was really great to see. So, you know, challengers movie especially, it's like, this is definitely not a totally true generation, because they're eating it up too. The pendulum also swings a lot, you know. But I want to get into some of these questions. Well, actually, I want to add one more thing, because I've been thinking about this a lot. The pendulum swinging is something that is inevitable, right? But I have been doing a little research from the 60s, like, that's the era that everyone talks about sexual liberation, and the feminists of the 60s were split in this way too. They had magazines like, off our backs, and then there was a counter movement that was called on our backs. So we're like, just kind of flip flopping all the time. But what I think really happens is that people are in these groups, and then they want to kind of speak for everybody, and then what happens is, like, you kind of go back and forth. So there's going to be people that aren't into sex scenes. There's going to be people who are really into them. We don't all have to get along with this. Like, you don't have to be this, like, voice of your generation whenever you're talking about it. And I think that's interesting to kind of mention too, but yeah, let's get into some of these questions. I am so happy you guys keep sending these in. If you want to do it anonymously, there's a link in my Instagram bio. If you want to email them to me, you can do that. But in general, people keep DMing me, and that's still a lot of fun, especially getting voice notes from people. That's my favorite. I'm like sitting transcribing your little voice notes. I love it. So this person here, she was very interested in the challengers movie, as you're about to find out why, and she has a question about safety in sex, in group dynamics. So here we go. She goes. I'm trying double penetration more often now. Yay, group sex, and I really want tips on how to keep it safe. I used to be really uncomfortable with the idea, because I was so afraid of being overpowered, but I have really found a dynamic that works, two men that are so eager to please me, and they really care about my well being more than their own ego or overpowering me. No pissing contests here, but I do worry about pain or infections, how to do it safely. Also, any tips for positions that don't always require me to be constantly using my core because I get so tired after a while. Okay? So let me start by saying yes, like that is definitely something you want to be aware of.

I think a lot of the time, people discuss the, like, emotional elements of group dynamics and group sex, and then they're kind of last minute, like, Oh, wait. Like, who's using a condom? Like, what's happening there? And so it's always better to kind of have that figured out before. So yeah, definitely use condoms, not because of, like, not trusting the new partner, but mostly because you don't want to be double dipping, right? Anything that's going back there wants to stay back there. And if you're going to be going from back to front, you're going to want to switch the condom out, also, kind of vice versa, like, if they're going from back to front, they're going to want to change it out. It's the same thing I talked about a couple weeks couple weeks ago with three sons, where the vagina also just, like, doesn't want anything in there that's from another person's vagina or another person's anus. Like, that's or your anus, like, it's just kind of wants to stay solo in that regard. So that's the one thing that I would keep an eye out for that's the one thing that will definitely lead to infections. And I know it's hard because, like, in the moment, you can't just shout this out, so bring it up before. And I'm not talking like, because when I say that, people always expect it to be like, okay, at 7pm tonight, we're gonna meet and go over the notes. Like, that's not what it is. You literally can just mention it casually, like, just be cool about it. And you can practice you can be like, Okay, this is what I want. It's a non negotiable if we're going to be doing this, this is how it's going to go, in terms of condom use, in terms of lube, in terms of safety, in terms of pace, and then also in the moment, you can just do a check in. It can be as simple as just like, hey, switch it out and get back, like, just stuff like that. Just have a bunch of them on the nightstand. So it doesn't always have to be super complicated, or this, like, exasperating conversation about it. You can just know what you want in terms of safety and make those decisions. And if somebody is, like, not comfortable using condoms. That's a good way to talk about it, instead of, like, in the heat of the moment, and then things kind of get weird. So it's always good to kind of weed those things out before. But yeah, negotiate ahead of time for stuff, like, who's going to be where, and more, so in terms of, like, what you don't want, like, if you know, for example, okay, an example also from a couple weeks ago, when I was talking about people that are on the larger side, like, more well endowed. If one of them is like, way larger, obviously you're gonna be like, Hey, I don't want you to start back there, like, stuff like that, where it's like, if that's your vibe, like, you should say it don't just be like everyone knows what to do. I'm expecting everyone to know how to please me. They're not gonna. They're gonna be just as nervous as you. So just go for it. Talk about it, be open about it. And then aftercare too. Like, don't expect it to go smoothly. Like, you have to make that go smoothly too. Talk to them about what you want after. And then afterwards also. Like, just do a recap of, like, the condoms were used, right? Like, stuff like that. Just so also, it's enforced if you do go on and do this again, which it sounds like you found a great dynamic, yeah, it's like you have two boyfriends, and your boyfriends are boyfriends. That's literally the meme that you manifested for yourself. I'm very happy for you. In terms of the core part I get this question in terms of, like, riding and like reverse cowgirl, and like all that stuff. I'm trying to picture how you're using your core all the time. And I'm trying to be like, are you on your back? Are you on your front? So instead, I'm just gonna go over the stuff that I think will be the most comfortable for you. But in general, if you're riding, you don't always have to use your core so much. What you want to do too is, like, if you kind of rock from your knees to your ankles instead of, like, doing the whole back movement, that can be really great. But here's some positions. So you go to the edge of the bed. One guy is underneath you, entering you vaginally, and you're on top, like, riding him, but his legs are on the floor, so it's like you two are at the edge of the bed, his feet are on the floor, and you're on top, and then the other guy can come standing behind you and enter you from behind. So that way you can, like, lean forward as much as you want, and you don't have to be rocking. You don't have to be moving and, like, you're kind of just being moved up and down, instead of, like, back to front, or doing all this motion. Like, let them do the work, right? There's two of them, so they can figure it out. But if you lean forward enough, you won't be having to, like, use your core. You can also prop pillows under the guy that's underneath you. So then there's a little bit of like a wedge, and then it's a lot easier also to kind of lean forward and back, if you want absolutely no core movement at all. What you can do is lay on your side with your legs together and go to the edge of the bed again, and then the two of them are on either side, so they might do a little bit more touching than the other positions, but that's another thing you want to negotiate beforehand, especially if they're like, I don't want to touch the other guy. Make sure that that's kind of in the Convo, because otherwise you're going to end up in that position where, literally and figuratively, where they're going to be confused as to how to make things happen if they don't want to touch, but it sounds like they're pretty comfortable touching. So that sounds great. If in that position, you want more access to your clitoris, you can put a pillow in between your knees. If that's accessible for you. I don't know, I don't know what your dynamic is, or if you're into that, but that can be really like a good way to create some space too. But remember that double penetration can be pretty intense on the pelvic floor. So when you mean core movement, maybe what you're meaning is, like, it's just a lot our abdomen is this pressure cavity, and if the pressure doesn't have anywhere to go, it's gonna feel pretty intense. So just remember to take breaks. You don't have to go like super hardcore all the time. It's a lot for your pelvic floor. Just go slow and don't be afraid to change things up or move around and get comfortable. Use pillows as props and all that. So a next question, this one is also really. Really interesting, because the thing that people really liked about the challengers movie, and the thing I really liked about it was how effortless everything was, and it kind of relates tennis to sex in terms of, like a performance and a competition. And what I love about that is that people are realizing that when you're really experiencing something, the performance element doesn't really matter, and that's the metaphor for sex too. It's like sometimes when you're performing, and we call it like a sexual performance, right? But when you're experiencing it fully and deeply, it doesn't really matter how you're doing in terms of your performance, because that's secondary. So this question, I'm seeing this new guy, and I'm really into him. For context, we're both gay men. Everything was great until I noticed he's trying way too hard during sex. I don't know how to explain it, but it's intense, and I can feel like he's totally performing. I feel like I can't connect with him, and he's putting on a show. How do I get him back down to earth? This one's tough, because you don't know if it's just nerves or if he is doing kind of the motions because he doesn't feel comfortable, but it sounds like you're really into each other. You're started seeing each other. So my first thing would be, like, let's see if it gets better with time and if you're more comfortable. But it sounds like you've kind of been having sex for a little while now. So if it's not getting better, or if it's getting worse, it could be good to check in. But the way to do this, like, you don't want to go for like, the Hey, I noticed you've been doing this, and I don't like it route, which is the one that I usually suggest. But because this could be something that's rooted more in an insecurity, this is how I would go about it, I would try to get him back down to earth by using some mindful techniques together. So the obvious one here is to, like, slow everything down. But sometimes that can make people more self conscious, because then, like, all of a sudden they are spectatoring, which is this funny term that was coined by Masters and Johnson in like, the 60s. It's basically like when you're having sex, and you're really aware suddenly that you're having sex, and then you're kind of like watching yourself have sex. So then you're really in your head, and you're also simultaneously having an out of body experience. And then when people get into that, they tend to perform. They tend to be like, Okay, this is what they do in porn, or this is what they do in movies, or this is how I was taught to do it, so they must like it. When I do this, it can be really hard to bring someone back down to earth, because that's kind of something they have to figure out. But there are some ways to kind of check in. So I suggest making some more eye contact and really trying to up the communication there. Like ask him how it feels, and if he's like doing the thing where he's just like reciting stuff, take a break from what you're immediately doing. Get into like, a new position, or try something else and ask again, or ask him what he wants and what he really wants. You know, not just like do you like that, but like a little more detail than that. You can also take more time from the initial arousal to the height of whatever you're doing. So in this case, it's like, if you're making out, you can ask him to touch himself, to kind of ground him in how he feels in his own body. And he might feel more comfortable too, because then it's like he's used to doing that on his own. So, and it's also a really good test, right? It's like if he can do that and get comfortable with doing that in front of you, the other stuff might feel more comfortable as well. Talk to him about it, also outside of your sexual experiences in the heat of the moment, it can be so you just feel so vulnerable already. So it might be better if maybe a little recap afterwards, or the next time that you see each other being like, I really love having sex with you, and I want to make it even better. I really want to get to know what you want and what you like, and just connect with you more. I want to do something different. Are you open to trying something different? Because then it kind of shifts the perspective of like, if he's doing this out of insecurity, you're validating that you really do like him. You like everything he's doing, but you want him. You don't want the stuff he's doing to you. You don't just like the way he makes you feel. You actually like him, and that can maybe make him a little bit grounded in that situation, but yeah, if, if he's okay letting his guard down, also in general, like in other parts of his life, it might be easier to let his guard down in sex. So see how it goes. I'll check back in with this person and give a little update in a couple weeks if they're still dating. See if that. Like, validation route helped, or if it just kind of made things go in a different direction. So I'll give a little update. So this one also, I thought was kind of related to the challengers movie, in terms of, like, I mentioned, it was, like, the horniest movie of all time. Every single piece of dialog was just, like, so intensely sexual, but, like, not overtly sexual, so everything's just like, dripping in eroticism, which is so it's a skill like that is definitely a skill to be able to do. And the writing was amazing, but people have a really hard time getting there. And I think one of the things that's really hard to do is strike a balance between, like, too earnest, I want to make love to you, kind of stuff that can be really cringy. And then also the like, just vulgar, where everyone's into different things, but striking that balance, like, if you can find something in between those two, that's usually what helps people in terms of their sexual communication and finding their sex voice, which is like the most authentic, foremost sexual communication you can have. So this next person said, I think really dirty thoughts in bed, and I know that my boyfriend likes it, because when we sexed, it really turns him on. But when I actually say it out loud, I find myself cringing. I can't get over this. What do I do? So this kind of relates to, like, the whole performing aspect too, where it's like a lot of the time when people find themselves cringing, they tend to just like perform, because they are kind of putting a guard up. So the first thing you need to do is dial in your self compassion. And I know it sounds so like Pinterest therapy, but it's true. Like if you are compassionate with yourself, you're not going to feel like you're stupid or weird or gross or wrong for saying dirty things. You know he likes it, so it's not him. You're not afraid of, like, rejection, you're afraid of taking up that space. And that's a whole different conversation that to me is like, I don't feel like I'm worth being seen this way. I'm too exposed. And when I'm too exposed, I don't have my guards up, and then everything's scary, and I get it like, I've definitely been there, like I tend to have my guard up with people a lot, until I get to know them in general. And I do the thing, not in sexual scenarios, but like, just in general, with, like, friendships where I'm like, and I used to do this a lot more before I became more compassionate with myself. But basically it's like, I'll say something, and then like, hours later I would be like, oh, like, that was a stupid thing for me to say, and it's like, I'll check in with my friends. And they're like, No, that wasn't stupid at all. And I'm like, Oh, cool. Now they think I'm insecure because I asked that. It's like a fun little thought circle for me. But when I focused on self compassion, I was like, not like everybody hates you, like you're fine, and you have to kind of dial it in by keeping it so real with yourself. You have to be like, I am likable. And would I ever say this to a friend of mine? Like, if your friend was like, my boyfriend loves when I say dirty things. But am I a bad person for doing that? Would you shame her? Would you be like, Yeah, you're a bad person for doing that. You slut. Like, no, well, I mean, I hope not like you would probably be like, That's great. Like, why don't you just keep doing that? Like, why are you stopping yourself? You should just lean into it. So sometimes it helps to take ourselves out of the equation. And, like, not think so much about how other people are perceiving us and looking through a lens of shame at ourselves is just, like, not gonna benefit anything. So just get used to it. I think a fun little exercise for you, I'm gonna give you some homework. Actually, I think a fun little exercise for you would be to do some erotic homework. So write. It could be in your notes app, like a little locked app in your iPhone, or you can go old school and just get a little pen and paper and write a little erotic story, like write, write a little dirty sex or something like, out loud, no one needs to see it. No one's gonna see it. You're gonna delete it or throw it away or whatever, because I want you to get used to seeing it just for yourself, not through the lens of other people, not doing it for him, what turns you on? What is something that you want to get out there? This would also help you figure out what words feel authentic and when we're authentic with ourselves, we're compassionate with ourselves, and I think that's what's missing from the equation here. So yeah, it can be good to like, get out of your little shame bubble and be incredibly dirty. Like, dirty is not bad. That's not a synonym, you know. So also it's like just, you know, if you're more like, sweet, shy, suggestive, that that's more your vibe, lean into that too. Like I mentioned, it's like striking, that balance, I think, can also be something to toy with. Another thing you can do. Do outside of your little erotic homework is flip the script, ask him to speak up. I think right now what's happening is like, you're the only one doing this based on what you told me. So ask him to use his voice and see where that takes you to, because it's like you're not going to be judging him. So then it could be easier for you to see like, oh, it's really not a big deal, even if you do say something cringy or weird, or if you're like, Oh, I I just, like, in the moment it came out, and then now I'm, like, not feeling sexual at all, so I feel really weird about it. It's like you can compartmentalize that and just be like, okay, he does it too. I don't know if that's like, terrible advice, but you can take it anyway. So another sexting question, my partner won't sex with me no matter what I try. I'm really worried about this, and I don't know what to do. Our sex is great when we do get to see each other, but he would rather watch porn than sex with me, and it's breaking my heart. I don't even think it's about the porn. I think he's just way too embarrassed to do it. So this is a tough one, right? We're kind of like split in schools of thought with this. A lot of people would be like, gut reaction, he shouldn't watch porn like you, like he should be doing everything with you, right? Another school of thought is like, you're not entitled to his free time and what he wants to do sexually, and if he wants to masquerade to porn all the time and not talk to you about it, that's fine. I think there's definitely gray area here that you can explore. Like I don't think you have to be on one side or the other. Doesn't sound like you're kind of on one side of the other here it just think about what he's doing and how it's making you feel. Ignore all of this, like sociological buzz about this topic online, especially.

Don't go into the Reddit forums for this one. Okay, focus on this. Hey, you're doing something that's hurting my feelings, and I want to talk to you about it like I'm telling you that's where you need to start, because if you start over thinking like, okay, he's doing this and it's leading to this, and that's how it's making me feel, you're not really gonna get anywhere. You're gonna be treading water. So tell him exactly how it makes you feel and why. And if he starts getting defensive, you can tell him that too. Be like, well, you're not really answering me or listening to me. I'm telling you how it's making me feel, and you're not telling him what to do or change his mind or anything. I think what you need is like to be heard and validated, and from there you can have a better discussion about it. So we have to, again, strike a balance here, right? It's not like you're telling him porn is ruining our relationship, and you're not saying you can do whatever you want. I'm totally cool and chill about it. I'm such a cool girl. I don't care. Both of those are lies, right? Like you're in the middle here, and so really embrace it. Tell him how it's making you feel. So paint the picture you are being chosen over something that's how it's making you feel. And I think in that regard, you need to, you need to hone in on, like, where that's coming from. It does sound to me like you're not really mad about the porn. It's like the fact that he's choosing it over you every single time. It doesn't sound like, it's like, once in a while, it's like he's embarrassed to open this side up to you, and from there, you're being chosen over you know. So I think ultimately, if you're seeking like a like a erotic poet to sext with, like, he's maybe not going to be that for you, and it's okay to also check in on those expectations. You're not telling him like, hey, change your entire sexual personality. For me, you're saying this is something I'm interested in, and I just want you to be open to just validating that I want it. You don't have to do it. I just would prefer if you at least acknowledged that it's a desire of mine, because sometimes not being seen or heard can be more hurtful than the other stuff, and we can support our partners decisions, right? But they also need to support, like, how we want things to turn out, like, even if it's not something they're willing to do, just holding space for it, which I'll give an example. I dated somebody like, years ago, this girl who always, like, wanted to watch porn together. And I was like, that's fine, but I don't want to do it every time. And I was like, I just kind of feel like you're not connecting with me. But I didn't say that. I was always like, Oh no, that's cool. It's fine. Like, I'm so chill and cool. It's great, which was my first mistake, but then it got to the point where I kind of just snapped, and I was like, I don't know why you always have to, like, bring this up. Like, why do you have to do this? Like, I'm right here. And then she was like, wait, what? Like, I thought you were the one who was so into this. So I think it's so important to just start from the beginning and say it from the beginning. And it sounds like, right now, you're at a great time of being like, this is how I feel about it. This is how I want it to go. How can we. In the middle. And maybe it's not sexting. Maybe it's like a phone call or FaceTime or sending photos. Maybe there's another way to get what you're desiring, but like, not through words. Maybe he can just listen to your voice notes, and you just know that he's listening to them. Find other ways to achieve that without it maybe putting so much pressure on him, you can just ease into it. So I want to give a little reminder that I am collecting answers for my dirty talk episode, speaking of all the sexting I did one last year, and it went really well, and I think it was like my favorite collection of answers I've ever gone through. So I want to hear more. Of course, this is like, totally selfish, like, I just want to hear what you guys are saying to each other in bed. It's like, not scientific, but I think it's really fun. Tell me what makes you tick. How do you talk to your partner in bed? What's the dirtiest thing you ever heard and in a good way, in a bad way, like, what’s something you heard that you still are like, I cringe about that, because I think we're all really different in this regard, and I think that's what makes it really interesting. So if you want to do it anonymously, it's just the little link in my bio. It says anonymous confessions. But you can also do it like fully with your face and name. You can do it in my email, you can do it in my DMs. If you know me in person, you can text it to me. I'll accept any form. So put the put the little confession in and tell me what's the dirtiest dirty talk you've ever heard, or any other story about sexting, dirty talk, talking about sex, insects in bed, all of it. Let me know. So thank you for listening to this little episode. I loved getting your questions. Maybe I'll go see challengers again after this. Gonna refresh my memory I've forgotten all of a sudden. I don't know, but I hope that you enjoyed and I'm sending you all my love here from New York City this week, and I'm here at Studio friends in New York. That's where I'm sending my love from for this wonderful set. I'm giving them a 10 out of 10, 100 out of 10!