Does the female orgasm have to be so elusive and mysterious? Welcome back to Beyond the Bedroom, I'm Birna, I’m a sex educator, and today we're talking about orgasms, specifically for those who have vulvas and vaginas. And I say “female orgasm” because it's a thing that I'm asked about all the time. Of course, if you don't identify as a female, but have these parts, that's totally fine. This episode is still for you. And if you are the partner of someone who has these parts, even if they don't have an issue having an orgasm, you might learn a thing or two, so just stick around. But if you're the type of person who says, “I've never been able to give my partner an orgasm”, or “I've never had an orgasm for my partner”, or “I've never had an orgasm”, and you have a vulva, it's okay. We're gonna go through it. I know there's a lot of pressure and a lot of anxiety with this question. Understandably, I know there's a lot of people who might go, Wait, I've tried everything. What could be wrong? I'm gonna dig into that a little more. Talk about the medical side of this, the psychological side of this. I'm going to talk about when sex ed isn't enough and when you can and should get treatment for something who to go to, who to talk to, what options are out there. I'm also going to go through the behavioral stuff, the lifestyle stuff, and everything in between. People really want the secret sauce, the magic button, right?

How do I make her come? How do I make her squirt? How do I make her leg shake? I get asked these things all the time, and don't worry, I will be discussing the difference between an orgasm and squirting at the end of the episode, I almost titled this episode The real reason she isn't finishing, but psych, there's way too many reasons, right? And I get asked this question so often, and it's different intentions behind it. So sometimes it's from frustrated male partners, why can't I just make her come? Why can't I just give her an orgasm? It's that ownership, right? “Make her”, “give her” we have this ownership language about orgasms. But other times, it's from genuine curiosity, wanting to know more about how can I facilitate this for my partner? How can I make this happen? We're having a hard time communicating about this. I want to see if there's something special, or is there something I'm missing, right? And I really like when people approach it that way, as opposed to, like, what can I do to make her come so I can just stick it in her? Like, I hate that somebody replied to a comment of mine the other day being like, “lick it and stick it, that's the way.” And I was like, Can you not talk like that about the immense beauty that is the fucking female pleasure? Like, can you not do that right now? Like, ew. It just But I digress, like I said, I'm gonna go over the main reasons for this happening for everybody. And sometimes I get asked this question from very anxious lesbians. They're like, I have the same parts. What is going on? Why is this? Why can't I make this happen for my partner, and also, of course, for people who have vulvas and have never had an orgasm, or have had very few, or maybe they don't know if they've had one or not. I'm going to go into all of this. This might end up as a two parter. So if it does just know that, I'm going to get really detailed. There are a lot of people who have seemingly lost hope. They go, Well, my partner is never going to get me there, or I'm never going to have one. And so when a listener, or an audience member, I should say rather, asked me last week, can you give me tips on female anorgasmia and how to support that as a partner? I said, Whoa. This is the first time in a long time where it's not stumping me because I don't know what to say. It's stumping me because I don't know where to begin. What has she tried? Has she had an orgasm on her own? Is it just when you guys are together? Is it because she isn't doing what she does when she's alone? Is it because of pressure? There's so many reasons, right? And you know, it's a fair question. How do you deal with someone who just cannot have an orgasm? What's the point of sex if you're not coming, right? That's something that I'm asked all the time, into which I reply, well, you know, there's more to it than that, but I understand why people want an orgasm. I mean, that's amazing. It's such a good feeling, like I understand everyone talks about it. It's just a thing that we all kind of go after. I understand and I sympathize. So I'm going to go through the behavioral, the mental, the organic and the lifestyle. And what I mean by that is the behavioral things that we do during sex, or to ourselves, to our partners, how we're behaving during sex, right? The mental is the feelings that we get about sex, during sex after sex, the environment, the relationship that we're having with ourselves and with others in those moments, the organic means that it's coming from the body. It could be an underlying condition, and I'll go through those. And the lifestyle, of course, is how you behave in the rest of your life. Things that might be influencing your health, mentally or physically. But let's start with the behavioral: so, the number one thing that I tell people is that there's probably not enough time for arousal. So, the climb, something I'm calling “the climb” here, where it used to be that people thought about female orgasms like, kind of like a bell curve or like a roller coaster, right? Which is, for the most part, not entirely untrue. However, the more we study female pleasure and female orgasms, the more we understand that orgasms are more kind of like waves, and when people can have multiple orgasms, it might just kind of all be part of the same wave. Some people also notice that orgasms aren't always pleasurable, and so it's really important to distinguish, am I having the orgasms that satisfy me? Are orgasms something that's a part of my satisfaction as a whole, or are they just a part of it, like are my muscles clenching, are the feelings heightened, and then that feeling of like being finished? Is that happening, or is it just kind of like muscles are clenching, and I'm aware of it, but it's not giving me any sort of like immense pleasure, because there is a difference there. And people can have orgasms kind of accidentally, right? We can be at the gym doing some chin ups or something, then all of a sudden feel that shaking, kind of clenching, expanding, contraction feeling in our pelvis. So I do want to say that orgasms alone are not an indicator of pleasure, but they can be immensely pleasurable when you give them enough time to kind of develop and bloom. I want you to think about it like you're facilitating the orgasms appearance. You're not kind of coercing it or coaxing it out of you. You're building up to it. You're allowing you're kind of setting the stage for it to happen, right? And if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, you're still having a good experience. So I want you to do the things that make you feel amazing, not the things that are like, okay, “I can get myself there and if I bear down, it'll happen”, because that, over time is gonna get really tiring, like, you're not gonna always want to focus so hard and like, do this thing. It's like, which one is more important to you, feeling the pleasure, or getting yourself there quickly or on some time of timeline, which is, you know why in the beginning, when I said it's it's kind of annoying to me. Actually, it's not just kind of annoying. It's extremely frustrating for me. When there are people that are like, I just want to check this off so that I can do X, Y, Z, it's like, well, that's kind of counterintuitive, if you're not giving yourself enough time from arousal to the height of your arousal, from the initial onset arousal to the time you want to stretch that out. And I'm not talking about edging here. I'm talking about this in tune with yourself build up. And what this might look like is that you start out and it's like you're not thinking of it as foreplay or warming up. Instead, what you're thinking of is that you are building and gradually stacking the sensations. You're stacking these sensations up. You're building, you're flowing, you're not chasing. You're not going and trying to seek something and finding it. You're maybe trying something, seeing how it feels in your body, and then following it. So a lot of the time, people don't realize that when they're masturbating, they're actually spending way more time and they're doing this, as opposed to during sex. It's kind of like, okay, now it's your turn to feel really good, and then it'll be my turn. So hurry up. And this is something that I'm hearing a lot, especially in heterosexual couples, but not just heterosexual couples. Like I think that it happens to a lot more people than that, and sometimes it happens to people because they put that pressure on themselves too. It's like, I don't want to take up too much space. I don't want to take up too much time. I just want to, you know, and then also that feeling of like, I just want to get this over with. You deserve to feel good, and you deserve to take up that space. And it doesn't matter if you're taking a long time, someone who cares about your pleasure will be there for that time. Okay, so stop worrying. And even as a sex educator, even as someone who doesn't have trouble having orgasms, I still catch myself doing this, even with the same person that I've been having sex with for like, five years now, it's like, I just have this thing sometimes, and I understand where it stems from, where I'm like, oh, was I maybe checked out a little? Was I just in my own world? Was I chasing my own orgasm too much, and it's like no. And I get that validation, you know, it's like no, you know, this is that's not, you know, you don't have to get it over with. Like, it's one of those things where sometimes people put on themselves, and it's also sometimes kind of a projection from a partner. So I want to make sure you're taking your time you are not rushing through a single sensation or a single moment, and you don't need to slow things down, that's not the same thing. Just don't rush. Don't be like, Okay, I know how I like my clit touch, so I'm just gonna do it really fast in order for it to happen quicker, faster doesn't always mean you're gonna get there faster, like, the faster movements don't indicate it's gonna, like, cut the time in half. Also, sometimes you may get to orgasm quicker, but it's not gonna be as satisfying. So that's my number one thing, take your time. Okay, it's your time. Take it, own it, love it.

The second thing is that you might be taking your time, but you're not putting enough pressure on the clitoris. And when I say the clitoris, I'm not just talking about the part that is external, like the part that you can see that has a little hood on it. I'm not talking about that. I'm also talking about the vulva as a whole. Sometimes people are kind of because we always talk about the clitoris, the clitoris, you know, sometimes people are taking it a little too far or a little too literally, and they're not spending any other time on the rest of the vulva. Listen, we love the clit. That's our girl, right? But it's not just the little part that you see on the outside. It's also the part that goes underneath the labia and behind, so, like there's a root of the clitoris. So if you were to press kind of into that hood area right where your finger is about, you know, a couple centimeters behind that, and then downwards the rest of the clitoris is going. So there's an internal portion how you access that might not be just touching lightly on the outside. Maybe you need a little bit more pressure. Some people actually prefer having the root of their clitoris touch or like the kind of above, where that little part sticks out kind of closer to their pubic bone. Some people prefer having these legs, which are kind of extending down to our inner thighs, or the or the part that lays under the labia as well. So what you want to do, maybe, is do a whole vulva massage. You might want to press with your fingers into the vulva and kind of move it in circles, and use the palm of your hand on the clitoris, the part that kind of sticks out a little. And do this for a while, make it wet. Make it kind of that rocking motion.

Some people, they don't have an orgasm because of the one or two fingers touching the clitoris. Instead, it's that rocking of the hips or that grinding motion of the entire vulva on something a lot of people will tell me, “when I was younger, I would feel really good when I was, like, grinding against a pillow or grinding against my hand, but then, you know, I don't really feel as good now”. And it's like, well, why did you stop? Just because you think, Oh, I'm just repeating what I've seen or heard is supposed to happen when I say, follow the sensation. I mean, be an observer of what feels good and follow it. Don't think, oh, that's like, not really what it's supposed to look like. It's your body, and you are actually the person who says, Oh, these are my rules, and I'm in charge of what it feels like and looks like for me. So I just want to make sure you are aware that you are allowed to find the sensations that work for you. Also, some people prefer both the internal portion and the external portion to be touched at the same time. What I find is really great for people put your two middle fingers, so your middle finger and your ring finger on your dominant hand after you've done a lot of the rubbing the vulva touching, put your middle and ring finger inside the vagina, and then rock it back and forth. I guess I don't know if this is like the I Love You sign in sign language, or if it's like just the rock on like symbol. That's the sign and the symbol I'm making with my hands right now, and it's just like the two fingers in the vagina kind of hooking. And instead of trying to go up and down, what you can do is kind of go back and forth a little bit. And I find that that can be a really good way to figure out what parts of the vulva and what parts of the vagina that you really enjoy. So you're putting pressure, you're putting more pressure. You're not just touching with one finger. You're not just doing these little, tiny circles of the clitoris, unless that's something that's amazing for you, like, that's the type of person I am sometimes, you know. But in general, sometimes people need more pressure, and this could involve vibration.

Maybe you need a rumbly vibrator. You have a buzzy one, it's just not doing anything for you. That's because the buzzy vibrators are more topical. They just kind of go on the surface layer of your skin, right? They're not really reaching deeper nerves. The rumbly ones are low frequencies, so there's more time in between each. Those little vibrations, and they're penetrating a little deeper. And when I say penetrating, I'm not saying they're going inside. I'm saying that they're sinking kind of, they're stimulating more of the nerves, and they're stimulating the nerves differently than a kind of buzzy like high frequency vibrator. So add more pressure, add more sensation, and see what happens. So that's like the general advice, right? What happens when that's not enough? You're focusing on the clit, you've tried everything. You have a rumbly vibrator. You have all the stuff, right? So now we're going to move into the mental and the organic. So the mental, maybe you're feeling too much pressure to orgasm. I know we've heard this a lot less pressure, more pleasure, I know, but what does this really mean, and what does this really look like? When I say we're rushing through a lot of the time, we don't realize that we are rushing through. We don't recognize that we are going, Okay, I'm gonna make this happen. We might be clenching down. We might be bearing down. We might be thinking to ourselves, okay, come on, come on, come on. Some people have this, like, internal dialog in their head that they're like, Okay, that's hurried up, or like, Yeah, that's so good. Okay, I'm almost there, I'm almost there, I'm almost, you know, that kind of thing. When you go, Okay, I'm getting so close, and it's like, you're like, nothing's allowed to change. Nothing's allowed to stop. How do we go from there to I'm so close that almost nothing could take it away, right? It involves more arousal. A lot of the time we aren't aroused enough. Some people realize that they have to incorporate more of their body. They have to stretch out that time from initial arousal to heightened arousal. They have to be stimulated psychologically. They have to be focused. They have to be zeroed in on what's going on. If you're having sex with someone and you're kind of bored, if you're literally just kind of bored, there's probably going to be less excitement, right, obviously, and you're probably not going to feel as inclined to have that heat, that arousal. When I say heat, I mean like the thing that makes it easier to orgasm is that desire, right? And I'm not talking about physiologically, I'm talking about psychologically. So cue into not just what you're doing behaviorally, but are you totally enthralled in that moment? What is going on for you? A lot of the time when I tell people this, I say, Try listening to audio, audio erotica, okay? And I know I have some bias. I used to work in that whole thing, but just try it, because it might surprise you. And then they try it, and they're like, Okay, yes, I was like, distracted, because I was like, visualizing things, and then I could just let my body do what I wanted it to do. I wasn't like, seeking anything. I wasn't like, heightened in my stimulation. I just followed it because and I was like, distracted mentally, right? Because another one is that you might just be distracted, like you might not be able to focus in on that pleasure because you're thinking about all the other things going on in your life. You might be stressed out. You might think, did I unload the dishwasher? Or, you know, thinking about your day at work tomorrow? A lot of the time, people with ADHD or OCD. There's like an overlap here of people who have a hard time either because of intrusive thoughts or just because of distraction, where it's harder for them to focus on the sensations, but also it's hard for them to stay in tune, so it's hard for them to, like, get deeper into that arousal. So if that sounds like you, there's definitely things that you can do to add more sensation, do some grounding exercises. Try to feel all the places, for example, that your skin is touching your partner's skin during sex. Use that as a grounding mechanism. Listen to their breath. Become an observational thinker. Tune into those mindful exercises. Mindful sexuality can really help a lot of people. But if it gets to the point where you cannot focus on sex at all because of the distraction, it could be time to talk to a mental health professional and just open up about it. It's probably not just affecting you in this way. However, if it is just affecting you in sex, if you're feeling a lot of feelings of guilt, of shame, of intrusive thoughts, of feelings like out of control, feelings of fear, anxiety during sex, and it's not only related to the way your partner's making you feel, but just in general, it might also come up during masturbation. That's also a good time to talk to somebody about that, because that's a really big trigger for people as to like they're not feeling their body anymore. They're no longer in tune with their body. They're not able to absorb the information, right? They're not able to facilitate an orgasm, because they're kind of either numb, or they're frozen, or they kind of back off, or they have to stop and start because they're having a lot of overwhelming emotions. Or they're just not fully present. They're just feeling like I don't deserve this. You have to believe that you deserve it. But you know, orgasms can happen whether you want them to happen or not. That's not what I'm saying at all. You know they can absolutely happen by accident or when you don't want them to I want to make that very clear as well. You don't have to want the orgasm. A lot of people want it really bad, and it doesn't happen. But sometimes when people believe they don't deserve them, then they're maybe not working as hard to achieve them. Does that make more sense? So feeling also like you need to perform a certain way, this is a mental thing that kind of becomes important for people to recognize. If you feel like you are putting on a show for a partner, you might not be fully present with yourself. You're not might not be clued in to what sensations you want and what you might be lacking or what you might be craving, right? You may not be able to put that vocabulary like I talked about the pleasure vocabulary a couple times, especially last week, you may not be able to ask for what you want because you aren't clued into that you you aren't aware of what you want. You aren't putting the words to the sensations, because you're so busy being hot for someone else. And so I want you to remember that it's not always all about the show. You know you have to experience, you have to be present. You have to want to have a good thing for yourself. Give yourself some compassion. Practice that self compassion when you're masturbating. It doesn't matter what your or if your orgasm face like looks weird or silly, who cares like you're having an orgasm. You know, it's like when people, if any partner, if anyone you're having sex with, like, would make fun of the face you make when you orgasm. They're so immature, like they don't even deserve to be having sex. I'm sorry. Like, stop. You are allowed to take up space and enjoy it. And there is a word for this called spectatoring, also when you are either hyper aware of what you're doing, or you aren't able to be present because you're kind of observing yourself having sex because of body image issues, because of performance anxiety, this can definitely make it harder to orgasm, and there are sex therapists that are brilliant at tackling this. But one of the things that I will kind of give you to work on, if this does sound like you, is that you need to practice some self compassion in the bedroom. You need to hone in on those sensations. And sometimes, you know, usually I'm like, Oh, you need to amp up the psychological stuff. In your case, you have to focus more on the physical sensations that you deserve to enjoy and that your partner wants to give you in that moment. It doesn't really matter if you are hot or not, because ultimately, you're having a human experience. I don't know if that helps, but sometimes feeling neutral about your body is like, oh, like, I still deserve to have an orgasm regardless of how I feel about how I look. You know, like sometimes body neutrality can be a stepping stone for people, so I encourage you to look at it from that perspective. But stress is definitely such a killer for desire and for orgasms, like psychologically and physiologically. So let's talk about some of the organic reasons. So of course, there is the issue with erectile tissue. You're maybe not getting enough blood flow. You're not getting that engorgement. Your genitals are not receiving erections. You could also have something called a clitoral adhesion. So it's when the hood of the clitoris is more attached to the clitoris itself, to the organ.

This is something that there is some research still developing about this, and a lot of evidence mounting that there are more people that may have this than we may have originally thought. And clitoral adhesions can be removed. They're usually a very simple procedure. By simple, I don't mean an easy one to heal from, or an simple like, oh, it's no big deal. I'm saying surgically speaking, they aren't like a heavy operation. Clitoral adhesions aren't always the root of inorgasmia, but there are people who do benefit from having these adhesions removed, or it's, I guess, similar, it's maybe analogous to when people have foreskin that's too tight and that hinders their pleasure. It's a similar thing happening to the clitoris, of course, because there is a hood that retracts when aroused, but sometimes it doesn't retract all the way, and that can be an issue also, like I kind of mentioned, lack of blood flow to the genitals, if you're having some sort of issue with your circulation, or if you're having some sort of issue where just the signals aren't happening. So you may get that higher heart rate because you're aroused and you're moving around, but it's just not. Not the sensation just isn't going to the genitals. You know, there's a lot of things that could be happening here, I know, especially for people, you know, post menopausal, it's like you might suddenly it's way harder to orgasm because of stuff like dryness or vaginal atrophy. There's a lot of stuff there too. So if you're not noticing, like, a change, like you've never had trouble orgasming, ever you're psychologically like you're not putting too much pressure on yourself. You're not your partner isn't putting too much pressure on you, like your partner isn't going come for me or whatever. You just notice that all of a sudden, just like your genitals don't feel sensitive as they used to. It could be that you're having some sort of circulatory issue or some sort of nerve issue, if you are having pain all the time in your pelvis, so you're getting that numbness or chronic itching, but they can't seem to find an infection. It could be that you're having some sort of pelvic nerve issue, and the pelvic nerves can obviously make it very difficult to orgasm, because these are the same nerves that make pleasure happen. So if that's happening for you, you may want to talk to your primary care physician or your OB GYN and maybe do something like pelvic floor physical therapy to kind of get that pressure off the nerves or see what's going on. So that could definitely be something that gets in the way right. Pelvic floor issues in general, may also be contributing to your anorgasmia, because for the orgasm to occur, there are certain muscle groups that have to contract and release, and sometimes when people have either injured these muscles or overused them, that's just not happening or it may be uncomfortable. So if your orgasms are also just uncomfortable, all of a sudden, you feel a burning sensation or a pulling sensation. Go to your doctor. Talk about it.

Don't be afraid to talk about it. You're talking about a human experience. You're talking about a health care issue. This is something that you deserve to get help for, and it's, it's not, I know it's, it could be very embarrassing, but it could also be the sign of something underlying going on in your abdominal pressure, or something so you just want to talk about it and get it checked out. And it could be just as simple as you are holding your breath too much when you have an orgasm, you want to take in a deep breath, or you want to relax your pelvic floor. A lot of the time we bear down. We clench right? We think it'll make it go faster. Sometimes we squeeze all our muscles together. And yes, of course, that could make it easier to orgasm for some people. But if that's not helping you, try releasing it, like I mentioned last week or the week before. It's hard for me to keep track. Now, sometimes we think we have to, like, bear down or clench to make a vagina is like as tight as possible, but you know, that's limiting mobility in the pelvis, and that needs to happen in order to have an orgasm, so you're kind of doing yourself a disservice with that. All right, let's go into lifestyle and keep in mind, I'm going to circle back to these categories as I go through the episode. I just wanted to kind of shout out the main reasons in each before we get into some nitty gritty details. So lifestyle, as I'm recording this at 2:36am, I'm gonna say lack of sleep. I know this sounds very impossible, right, but a lack of sleep can really contribute not just to your arousal, to your desire and to your pleasure, but also just your ability to orgasm. Sometimes people are so exhausted, either just physically exhausted or psychologically, like burnt out or stressed out or tired, but the physical exhaustion sometimes gets kind of thrown out, but it can be a huge factor for it. If you are super lethargic. You're just not able to do the things that you want to do. You have it. You have a really hard time even just going for walks. Or you find that the or not even during the day, maybe you have a lot of caffeine during the day, and then you crash in the evenings, right? And then you're just not in the mood at all. Try just having sex at different times. Like, try scheduling sex during the weekend, during the Mornings or afternoons. And when I say schedule sex, I'm not like, okay, at 3pm whip the dick out. Like, that's not what it means. It means, like, just schedule some time where, like, maybe you just kiss and you see, like, Okay, actually, like, that's all I want today. Or you're like, Okay, we can see where this goes. And that's it. Like, you can set like, five minutes to just hang out and, like, kiss a little and just like, see where it goes. It doesn't have to be so extreme about, like, all right, we're both gonna get naked right now at 3:02pm, like, that's not what that means. You could be stressed out or physically exhausted, like I mentioned, you could also be dehydrated or malnourished, so dehydrated that can also contribute to vaginal dryness, which doesn't necessarily hinder orgasm, but just something that I wanted to point out as well, but dehydration is sometimes the cause of a lot of loss of energy or some other. They're irritating issues in the genitals. So that could be part of it. You're malnourished, you're just not eating enough, and you're just exhausted. Because of that, it can also limit the brain activity. Your brain's just not picking up these arousal cues, or not able to have some desire, because it's just you're so tired you're not eating enough. These are things like, your sexual health is often a reflection of your physical health. And what I mean by that, obviously, is not that you need to be healthy in order to have orgasms. What I'm saying is if you are physically depleted, it could be harder for you to come so this category is often ripe for online grifting, right? This kind of grift of like, I can fix this type stuff, and this is when a lot of these New Age hormone coaches start pushing courses on you on how to redirect your hormones for better pleasure, which, by the way, they are not endocrinologists. And when you talk to them about this stuff, they usually have a surface level understanding, even though they think that they know a lot about it, they know enough where they think they know a lot, but they don't actually know what else there is to know about it. So their understanding of what it is left to know is limited. Does that make sense? But anyway, let me break it down for you really quickly to save you some money, because most of these courses that you see from these people that are like reset or pleasure lifestyle courses, it's, it's basic lifestyle advice, repeated back and is repackaged, right? It's usually along these lines, nourish your body, sleep well, exercise a few times per week, if possible, even if that's just a walk, go to therapy if you have sexual trauma, that's basically all they're gonna tell you, and I just saved you like $400 and a culty experience. So this lifestyle advice is the same advice that most medical professionals recommend, that most healthcare providers recommend, that most psychologists sex therapists recommend, and people like me who are in sex and reproductive health advocacy and public health recommend, and that's really just, that's the gist of it. But of course, a lot easier said than done. Easy to tell people, yeah, just go to sex therapy and sleep better. But you know, who has the money for that, and also who has the time for that? So I understand that it can be kind of frustrating. It can also make it makes sense why people are trying to fill in the gaps with stuff like libido supplements and that don't work, and things like lifestyle advice from people who don't always have your best interest. But it sounds good, so you feel like it's working. I understand, you know. So here's my like, general advice for anorgasmia, if you're having persistent anorgasmia, like you've never been able to have an orgasm despite all of these things that you've tried, you've given yourself tons of time, lots of clitoral stuff, you are getting nowhere near close. It might be time for you to go see a healthcare provider and just make sure you don't have any underlying conditions that could involve your nerves, your circulation or your pelvic floor. But in general, here's my advice, so focus less on the orgasm itself and more on general pleasure. Like I said, stop chasing it. Stop running after it. Stop going, okay, okay. I'm feeling better. I'm feeling better. Okay, this, this must be it. Just release that it's okay. It might not happen. It might not happen right now. And when you're going down on a partner, if you're facilitating pleasure for a partner, stop being like, okay, they're getting close, so I'm gonna speed up. Or they're getting close, so I'm gonna go harder. Like I said, faster. Harder doesn't always get you there quicker. The second one is add a rumbly, rumbly vibrator to the clit. I'm talking a deep rumble. If you are using vibrators and they're just not working for you. Maybe try a suction toy, or try a rumbly vibe. Get yourself a magic wand, get yourself Ollie from Unbound, which I have a discount code for, but it doesn't matter. I've I've loved Ollie before the discount code came into my life. It's, uh, genuinely magic, and it's amazing. Don't be intimidated by it, okay. You're not gonna get addicted to it. It's okay. Just try it. And the other day, I told you last week that I'm getting a new sex toy from belessa. I read the reviews, and they were all just like, don't think about it. Just buy it. And I'm like, God, I wish I could just tell that to people, but it just sounds so manipulative. But seriously, like, stop overthinking it and just get yourself the wand. And if your partner's like, Oh, you want to be the one that makes you come, just ask them. Okay, do you care about the ego trip of making me orgasm, or do you actually care about my pleasure and see where that conversation goes? Okay? Don't blame me when things go south after that question, by the way, the third thing is, spend at least 20 minutes on clitoral stimulation. Yeah, 20 minutes. Okay, it can take people anywhere from like 12 to 20 minutes to even reach peak arousal, yeah, 12 to 20 minutes. I'm not joking. I know that the people with the penises might be able to do a quick turnover, and some people with the clitorises might be able to do a quick turnover, but it's just not as satisfying. I guarantee you. Also, if you have a penis, try slowing down and taking that amount of time and seeing how much of a difference. It makes it literally, like, makes your orgasms go from like, Ah, that was nice, to like, oh my god, that was crazy. Like it literally does. And I'm not just talking about edging like, I'm talking about like, really building up and slowing down. Not like, start, stop, stop, stop. Like, not like that, going at a gradual incline throughout it. Okay? The next one. Don't make it seem like a chore, whether you're doing it to yourself or to your partner, or if you're like, putting the pressure on yourself when your partner's like, going down on you, like, Okay, I have to orgasm now, because that's what happens. Now, throw that out. Okay, they are doing stuff to you and you're just your only job is to facilitate your pleasure. And if they can't handle criticism, red flag, if they can't handle change, red flag. And I'm not talking about criticism, but you know what I mean, it's like, Oh, can you go a little to the left? And they're like, Oh, God, so stop, throw them out. Okay, all right, baby, out with the bath water. In this scenario, you're allowed to ask and give direction and just kind of be like, oh, I want this more, because it's not really about them. And that's what I was saying in the beginning. When people are making it all about them, it's a red flag, okay, that kind of leads me into this thing of the orgasm is not a chore. It's not a checklist. It's not just something like, oh, okay, did that. Now we can get to the real stuff. No, your orgasm is the real stuff. Your Pleasure is the real stuff. Okay, so stop, like performing it or getting it out of the way, it can be the main event. So I think that's a little more heterosexual, coded, but so psychological foreplay is key. And I hate the term foreplay. You know that I've talked about it because, again, oral sex, hand stuff, all that stuff, is literally not less valuable or less interesting than penetrative sex. Like, I'm sorry, I just have to say it like, it's not less interesting and it's not less important. So I don't know why we kind of like throw it under the bus like that. I'm not saying everybody does. I'm not. None of you are in trouble. It's okay, but I'm just saying psychological foreplay, though. What I mean by that is, like I was talking about earlier, is that people sometimes need to feel heightened arousal and the desire to have sex, they need to be able to act on that arousal, or to facilitate more arousal because of the desire. And what I mean by the desire is like they want it so bad. How do we make that happen? We're not sitting kind of in silence, moving our genitals back and forth. We are talking. We are kissing for a long time. We are feeling each other. We are maybe setting the mood. We are maybe talking about sex outside of the bedroom and communicating more. We are asking for what we want when we want it. We are telling people what we would love to do with them and to them with their consent. Of course, we are showing up for ourselves in a way that is compassionate and set boundaries and experience what's happening instead of performing it for someone, but sometimes also it's hot to put on a little show for someone. I'm not saying anything like take that away. You are prioritizing your pleasure, and you are prioritizing your partner's pleasure by making them feel special, making them feel desired. Make your partner feel desired, even if you're like, oh, they should know that, because we have sex. Nope. Wrong me, buzzer, buzzer, sound. No, no.

Make them like, say it. It might be a little awkward at first, if you're not used to it, but that's okay. It doesn't even have to be corny. It doesn't have to be like, oh, I want to do X, Y, Z to you. It's like, God, I miss you. Or, like, the dirty talk episode, a submission that I get all the time is when he puts it inside and he goes, Oh, I missed you. Or, like, I missed this, or whatever. It's like, that's so hot. That's fucking hot. Like, be hotter, you know, like, that's, it's, I know it doesn't come naturally to everybody, but so many people are afraid of it being awkward or whatever. Just make it come from an authentic place. Be sweet, if you want to be sweet. Be sexy, if you want to be sexy, believe it though, like, believe it in yourself first before you say it to others. Because if you don't believe. It's gonna come off as inauthentic. So work on your sexual relationship with yourself, and then build it up with your partner. Okay, next, don't rush through to get to penetration. Oh, actually, I want to add one thing here with psychological foreplay is that sometimes it's also involves creating a little tension. So maybe you want to flirt with your partner a little bit more. Maybe you want to spend a little time apart. Do you both, like, work from home and just are around each other all the time. And now, like, when you have sex, it's kind of just falling into a rut, and it's like, harder to come even though you're doing all the same stuff, or your orgasms just aren't as satisfying. Like, maybe you just need to, like, spend a little bit more time apart, and then you want to flirt with each other again, and then be like, Oh God, I like, can't wait to be in your arms again and feel your X, Y, Z on my x, y, z, all that stuff, you know. So just see what happens when you change that up. Okay, next, don't rush through to get to penetration. This is kind of what I mentioned earlier, but it is really important. And I'm not just talking about 20 minutes on the click. I'm not just talking about the psychological foreplay and and that this stuff can be the main event. All that stuff I'm talking don't rush through to get to penetration, because it could be that you are edging and edging and then when it slides in, you're still putting those fingers on your clit. You're like, putting a toy there. You're doing the stuff that needs to be done to stimulate your clitoris, and then maybe that facilitates the orgasm. So you're not like, Okay, I've gotten my clit ready for the penetration. It's like, you're continuing it, but you're not rushing through to get there. You're getting to a spot where you feel the vaginal tenting happening. You're feeling really aroused, to the point where you're like, please put it in. Like, get to that point and see what changes. You don't have to do that every time. I'm just seeing just try that out. Don't clench. I talked about this earlier, but really, you do not want to bear down on that pelvis. Just it's okay to clench it and release it a little bit. You know, sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's nice, but you don't want to be in a constant state of like, tense muscles. Okay, my last tip is breathe. Just breathe like a lot of people don't realize that they are feeling guilt or shame, or they're feeling uncomfortable, or they're feeling just in general, like not ready maybe to let go, let go, release that you know, like, just lean into it. Don't be afraid of losing control. Don't be afraid of these new sensations. You deserve them and you can handle them. Okay. So just to recap, who should you talk to if you want to address some of this stuff? So like I mentioned, if you have some sort of underlying condition you just are feeling numbness or pain or tingling or burning when you're touching yourself or trying to orgasm. You can talk to your doctor, your primary care physician, or your healthcare provider, or you can talk to your gynecologist. They might be able to help you with some of this stuff. They might be able to recommend you to a pelvic floor physical therapist, which if you're in the United States, a lot of insurance companies are starting to cover this better than they used to. If you're dealing with a lot of guilt shame, you've had a traumatic sexual experience, and you just can't seem to be able to relax enough during sex. You are feeling intrusive thoughts, difficulty focusing. You can talk to a sex therapist as someone who specializes in sexuality in as a psychologist or as a licensed practicing therapist, or you can talk to a psychiatrist. If that is something that is already something you do, you might want to bring up the sexual side effects to your psychiatrist. You might be on a medication that's limiting your arousal or your ability to orgasm or kind of numbing or dulling these sensations. So bring this up to your doctors or your psychiatrist or whoever your healthcare provider is, and see what they have to say about it. And of course, not everybody is going to get treated equally here, and I recognize that, and I just want to make sure that you know that I'm not saying, Oh, if you go to your doctor, this will all be fixed. I'm saying that a lot of the time, people are having medical issues involving sex, but they don't realize that they're medical issues so they don't bring it up. For example, they might not realize maybe their psychiatric medication is preventing them from having an orgasm, and it's worth a chat with your psychiatrist to see what other options there are.

Okay, let's get into some listener questions: “So sometimes my orgasms aren't satisfying. I use my vibrator and it just happens so quickly, but it doesn't really feel as good. Why?” So I love how you phrase that, just why. So in this case, I would say that perhaps you're just not building up to it yet. It in the proper way. So don't go from zero to 60. Try using your fingers for a little while before you incorporate the toy. So don't start with the toy or the vibrator. In this case, stretch out that time. So make sure that you're making the most of your time. Try massaging your boobs or your stomach, your inner thighs. And, like, when I used to massage, like, kind of touch it centrally, like, maybe you try to use the vibrator to get you more aroused and pump up that feeling. And then you kind of take a break from it, and you just do a little bit more of a whole body thing. And then you kind of touch yourself with your fingers. And then you finish with the vibrator. Sometimes you just need to back off from the sensation a little bit in order to allow your body to kind of catch up. I don't know if that makes sense, but sometimes that helps people. Another thing you can do here is edging, and this can be done in two ways. You can either go, if you were to go from a scale of zero to like, you know, like zero is like you're not touching yourself at all. And 10 is like you are actively having an orgasm. You go from maybe you build up to like a four, you take it to a seven, then back down to a four, and then you build it back up to an eight, and you drop it all the way down to a three, and then you build it to like a five to a seven. You know, it's like you kind of go back and forth, back and forth. Or what you can do is you are building up. You go to, like a you build, build, build up to, like an eight, and then you completely remove it. So you're at a zero, no touching at all, maybe some tapping, or a little bit of, like cupping the vulva. But you're not doing what you usually do to get there. You can edge yourself in that way, or, you know, with a partner, or try lower settings, or use the vibrator somewhere else, rather than directly on your clitoris. So instead of putting it on the clit, put it above the clit, like a centimeter or two, or use it around the opening of the vagina, or up and down on the labia. Sometimes that can feel really good. And when you start to feel arousal, you can put it back up to the clit and then, like, do big circles with it and see if that works. When I say, put pressure on the clitoris. By the way, like I mentioned earlier, when I say put pressure, there are different ways also to touch the clitoris. So you can use two fingers and go in ovals around it. You can use one finger and go in circles, directly on top of it. You can stroke it kind of downwards. You can tap it with one or two fingers. You can also tap it with your four fingers or the palm of your hand. You can grind against it. You can also, if it's your partner, your partner can use their thumb to kind of stroke it down, or to rub it, or to use their palm or their fingers. And you want to test this out. You want to give it at least a couple minutes, like two or three minutes for each technique to see if you're actually liking it. Sometimes we do it for like 1020 seconds. It's not enough. You want to give your body some time to get used to it and really see if that is something that you enjoy.

Next question, “I can orgasm alone, but not with a partner. What do I do?” This is really common, and not just for people with vulvas, for women, for anybody, for literally everyone. Want to say, though, there are two ways to adjust this, but remember, we're not going to use the word fix as the because you're not broken. We're not fixing anything. We're just making some adjustments. So adjustment one, so this is like, one of the things you can try, try avoid getting into the masturbation rut. Are you repeating the same things with your partner as you are when you masturbate, if not, these are the two things you can do. So the first one is try to avoid getting into a masturbation rut. So use the time solo to explore new ways that you bring yourself to an orgasm. You can try edging. You can try different ways of touching your clitoris. You can try different toys. You can try different techniques, right? You can use some of the tips that I gave in earlier in the episode, and this will, in turn, for some people, make it easier to adjust to the new sensations with a partner and avoid this psychological attachment you might have to certain stimulation, adjustment two do the thing that makes you orgasm alone, bring it into that time with a partner, so do that thing. So it's like there's two kind of camps here. There's two kind of schools of thought here, of like these adjustments. Neither one is like better than the other, like you can work on stuff on your own and also do the things that you you know. It's like they kind of build off of each other too, though. So if you are masturbating and you use two fingers on your clit and ovals every single time. That's the only way you can come. You've tried a lot of other stuff. That's the thing that makes you come. Do it while you're having sex with someone. You can teach them how to do it, or you can do it to yourself. A lot of people are afraid of putting their fingers down there while someone's penetrating them, but. Put your hand down there rub the way that you do while you're alone. You're allowed to do that, and sometimes it might not be enough time. So then give yourself adequate time before anything goes inside of you. Okay? And also remember that penetration does not have to be the main event, and your pleasure matters just as much. And so if you need more time, take more time. If you need a toy on, you add one. Use the one that you use solo. Incorporate it. Just see, like, Oh, this is something that I use. And if they get upset about it again, do they really care? Or is it this an ego thing? It's it's a tough one to kind of talk about, but it's important conversation to have. Next question, how do I know if I've had an orgasm? So an orgasm feels like a build up that is releasing. It often is described as a release. And there's different varying levels of this, right? It can be like a mind blowing, whole body, earth shattering, toe curling, head back, orgasm. Or I can just be like, Well, okay, this is happening. I'm aware of it, you know, and then there's a bunch of them in between. So an orgasm isn't always going to be the same, and it's not always going to be this, like, mind blowing event. But how do you know if you've had an orgasm? Did you feel pelvic contractions? Did you feel sense of being done in some capacity, like the thing you were leading up to or building up to has happened. But then again, people can also have multiple orgasms in a row. But it is this feeling like, Okay, this is something that I came to, which is a funny thing that that, you know I'm phrasing it, but it's a result. It's a place you arrived in your body. It's like, okay, this is an event that happened. It's like, sometimes an orgasm for people is like, okay, like, I don't want more, because I'm at the height of my sensitivity. So that can be an indicator as well. But in in most times for people with vulvas and vaginas, it's this contraction and this feeling in the pelvis, that is an involuntary kind of movement that happens that indicates to people, okay, this is happening. Are there really different types of female orgasms? So technically speaking, no, an orgasm is an orgasm, and it involves the same mechanism at play, the nerves, the contractions, the blood flow to the genitals, like the same physiological mechanism is happening, but what people are referring to when they talk about these different types is the pathway of stimulation. So you may be more aware of one part of your body or your or more of your body is being stimulated. So it feels different. Your perception of the orgasm is different. More things are being stimulated. So the contractions themselves may vary a bit, like the height of them and the timing and the type or the strength of them, but in general, like an orgasm does involve the same mechanisms. So even if you're arriving there because you're stimulating just your nipples, the same thing is going to happen like in your body. So this tends to confuse people, and I understand why, but it isn't a nipple orgasm or a G Spot Orgasm. You're stimulating those things in order to achieve an orgasm, but you may feel different in your body because you've added a sensation to be aware of. So it's more like it's not a nipple orgasm, it's like an orgasm through nipple stimulation. And that's just me being a stickler for these terms, and I am a stickler for terminology. You guys know that already about me, but yeah, you can achieve orgasm through any type of stimulating sensation. Some people can achieve it through no stimulation and just it's enough to move their body and think about sex. Sometimes that happens to us in our sleep. So, you know, it is one of those things where you can feel different contractions. And I think we do need to build our vocabulary. And like the pleasure vocabulary here needs to be worked on quite a bit. But in general, there is just one quote type of orgasm. But of course, it can be felt on a lot of different ways, and it can the pathway to it is different and the stimulation surrounding it is different. So this is kind of those like yes or no questions. Is squirting the same thing as an orgasm? No, but sometimes they align for people or overlap. It is a different sensation, and it can be very pleasurable for some and pretty intense for other people. Some squirt right before the orgasm, so it kind of leads into it. But you can check out my squirting episode for more information about that. I talked about it for quite a while. Are there any reproductive benefits to orgasm? So the female orgasm, of course, for male the male orgasm usually coincides with ejaculation, of course, though you can separate them, technically speaking, but they usually happen together. But there isn't any evidence to support that a female orgasm has any sort of reproductive benefits. Some people thought that the contractions of the pelvic floor during an orgasm may help with some sort of sperm mobility or. Actioning up, but that's kind of been debunked. We now know more about this mechanism, and like I mentioned last week, Emily Nagoski calling it a fantastic bonus is just like so clever, and I love that. But we now understand the mobility of sperm better and other factors, like cervical mucus, chambers and channels and and how the signaling allows for sperm to live inside of the tract for five days and kind of be picked up again. And it's, it's a very interesting and amazing process that is consistently being developed in terms of our understanding of is being developed, so I think it's really interesting, but technically speaking, no, there's really no reproductive benefit. An orgasm is not a requirement for pregnancy. If it were, I think there would be a lot less people walking around, right? And orgasms also don't have any known benefit for fertility in terms of they don't necessarily stimulate ovulation, or any of those things. That's, there's a lot of misinformation about that online, like you can this is misinformation. This thing that I hear sometimes that's like, Oh, if you like how a lot of orgasms, like you can delay ovulation. But that's not true. And you know, if anything, I would kind of assume the contrary, but obviously there's not evidence to support that. So here's another one. I've never been able to orgasm through oral sex. Is this normal? When someone goes down on me? I don't really feel much at all, but I have no problem orgasming through hand stuff or penetration with hands on top. Yeah, oh, look see, see what I mean. Penetration with hands on top. I'm telling you guys, that's like the goated combo. Um, so yeah, it's totally okay. You're not broken, you just have a different preference, and that is totally okay. So some people actually feel less sensation when they get too wet. And I find that this commonly happens during oral sometimes people use too much lube and then, you know, they're just like, I don't feel anything. Some people also just get too wet during sex, like they're just arousal fluid. Their bartholin glands kind of go crazy, or discharge or arousal fluid from the vagina gets a little too thick, and they just don't feel much anymore, and it's hard to explain this to people who don't have vulvas sometimes, like you just get so wet you just stop feeling those little delicate or sensitive things you can wear, laurels, latex underwear. I just did a video for them. This is not sponsored, by the way, but it's a really great thing for people who have that issue with sensation. You can use less spit when you're down there. I hate calling it that, but like saliva when you're going down on somebody, you can ask them to kind of keep it more in their mouth. Or you can put breaks in right where they kind of pull away and use their fingers to kind of let it dry a little bit as an edging technique. But also, you don't have to orgasm from it. It's totally okay. You're not broken. You're totally normal. Take that pressure off it, and just if you enjoy oral, that's great. You don't have to come from it. I think this, this is also hand in hand with that pressure thing, right? Where it's like, you have partners sometimes that go down and they're like, No, I'm not gonna stop until you come. And then you're just like, Okay, well now I feel weird. Like, now I really am not going to it's like, just, let's just focus on facilitating pleasure. I think that's your homework. Okay, this week, find the pleasure. Prioritize your pleasure. Focus on the pleasure. Hone in on that and stop putting so much pressure on the orgasm and just see what happens. I'm gonna do a bonus episode about female orgasms, answering some more detailed in depth questions and some more examples for right now. It's gonna live on my newsletter on the nightstand until I can find a better place for my bonus content. You can subscribe to my sub stack at B, I R, N, A, dot sub stack.com, and I'm going to be answering some more questions about Female Orgasms all week so and weekend. So check that out. And I hope you enjoyed this. I hope it was informative, and it's kind of a more advice heavy episode, but I think it's something that needed to be discussed, and I get a lot of questions about it, so let me know your thoughts on Spotify or in my DMs. Remember to give this a rating. If you liked it, please give me five stars. Who love me and it helps other people find the podcast. And I have some discount codes in my bio. You already know, unbound babes, you can use B, B, I R, N, A for 15% off and some other goodies down there as well. So I'm sending you all my love from DC, and stay tuned for some bonus content and for part two.