Hey guys, welcome back to beyond the bedroom. I’m so happy to be sitting down and doing this because it has been a week so this week has been a little more tough for me than usual, but I'm just so happy. This is my favorite thing that I do, just sitting down and answering these questions and talking to you one on one. It's another cozy bedroom episode this week. I'm not in the studio. I missed the studio, and I want to get back in there, but probably won't be for a little while. I also want to go back to doing interviews soon. I think that I really miss them. Who do you want to see on the podcast? Who do you want me to talk to? I've been kind of holding off and wanting to wait until on video. It's fun to do an audio too. So let me know who you want to see.Who do you have sex questions for? It doesn't have to be someone in sex ed. We can also talk to someone not in sex ed about sex or reproductive health, or Sex and Culture, just whatever relationships, dating, it can be a lot of stuff, so or public health, you know, we'll, we'll tie in the sex element for you guys in there. But you know, whoever you want to see, just let me know. So this week, I got a lot of questions on my anonymous question box, which is in the link in my all my socials. It's in my link tree. I have so much fun having my little anonymous question box, because I get the juiciest little questions in there. I got a lot of questions about vagina tightness, and not in the way that I usually get them. The way I usually get questions about vaginal tightness is that someone is talking about, oh, I think I have pain. Or, How do I know? If my, you know, postpartum vaginal health is up to standard stuff like that, but lately I've been getting more questions that I think may also be because I'm back on Tiktok and stuff. So sometimes I get a younger audience. These are also questions that everybody asks. So it's not just young people asking me these questions, but it's more about, how do I make my vagina super tight so it makes him come really fast, like those types of questions.

And so one of the questions I got was, “Do I really need to clench around him the whole time?” And maybe you've already seen that. I made some content about this. This week, I made reel, and I've been writing about it, but I just think it's really interesting that we have this fascination with creating, like, this tiny, tiny, tight hole for, like, this big thing, like, that's what we think about penetration as, like, that's like, the goal. It's like, you need to make yourself small and tight. And it's really ironic, because when you are clenching your pelvis to that extent, you may be limiting the mobility in your pelvis, and you may be inhibiting your pleasure. So it kind of is definitely actually not just kind of, but it is really counterintuitive to be clenching up or bearing down, because people do both during penetration in order to create this tightness when you allow this arousal to happen, vaginal tenting happens, where your cervix kind of moves upwards as your uterus moves upwards, and your vagina becomes more firm. And that's kind of that feeling that a lot of people are trying to emulate without being aroused yet. So that's why arousal is so important for penetration. So I talk about this a lot, and I want to discuss

it further with you guys, but take it to a place where I can have some nuance. I don't know if you've ever seen the meme that's like, also audio platform, so great for describing visual jokes, right? But here we go, the one that's like talking to this group of people about this topic, and it's like a school teacher, like, teaching like a little kid, and then it's like talking to my friends about it, and it's like, like a Socratic seminar. Like, that's kind of how I feel about discussing things that are gonna go on reels or TikTok, like, it's always going to be taken out of context. So there's just no nuance ever you know. But on this podcast, I know my listeners will listen to the nuance, and I have more time to kind of talk about things. So I get those two questions all the time, like, do I need to clench around him the whole time? Or, how do I make myself super tight down there for him? And then I get a lot of guys asking, How can I fill her up more? And if the size really matters. So I think it's really interesting that we get this, this perception floating around, that penetration is supposed to be this, like, tight, tight, tight grip. We always hear this, like joke of, like, Gorilla Grip coochie and, like,all this stuff. But what does that mean? Does it mean doing Kegel exercises 100 times a day, every day? No, that’s, just on the record, I'm gonna say no. Of course you can have a pelvic floor that has dysfunction. Of course you can have a pelvic floor that may have lost some of its ability to tighten or contract. But that's the most important part to the contraction, and so Kegel exercises can be great for that. You can overdo the Kegel exercises, though, and if you're constantly in that hold and that contraction during penetration, you're limiting the ability to feel pleasure and to have an orgasm, because you're not releasing in order for those involuntary contractions to happen, which are amazing, and I hope that you feel them, you know you deserve that clenching and releasing feeling that is just so amazing when you have an orgasm. Ironically, when we stop emphasizing penetration as this thing where it's like the biggest penis ever going into the tightest vagina ever? When we stop, like, worrying about all of that, that's when sex becomes so much better, like, that's when penetration is so good. And I know a lot of people may think, Oh, well, that's kind of immature to think that way. Or no, no one's really thinking that way. Still, you would be so surprised at how many people will say things like, oh, I don't really care about size, like, whatever. But then in the same breath, be like, but I want to make myself as tight as possible down there. And like I said, of course, your vaginal tone and your pelvic floor tone is an important thing to keep track of and to talk about and to ask your doctor about if you're having problems. But that's not really what I'm talking about. And talk about someone who has normal pelvic functioning and no kind of muscle dysfunction that are just clenching around someone's penis the whole time and almost like holding their breath, like just trying to make it as tight as possible the whole time. Of course, you can clench around it a little bit and then release a little bit, like, that's fun, that's cool. That's nice to do. It feels good, also for the receiver and for the person penetrating you, you know, but you don't need to be doing that the whole time. And I want to discuss, like, why people think this, but also this emphasis on creating the tiniest little hole. I just am so tired of that discussion. I guess that's really what I'm trying to say here. And one of the questions that I got this week was, is there actually anything wrong with being a size queen? Those of you who know me personally know that I have very strong feelings about this, like there's a yes and no to this. I have really strong feelings about this, but it's like a total gray area. Here's my take, and it has to do with the vaginal clenching. So just bear with me. We will go a full circle moment, I promise. I think we spend so much time in sex ed talking about how it's not all about penetrative sex, and that size doesn't really matter, because there's other things you can do, and those things are true, but, and that's a big but, what if you prefer the feeling of just being filled up? What if you just enjoy the feeling of something big? And that's a very specific feeling, and a lot of people crave that feeling, and it's because maybe for them, their most pleasurable part of penetration is up near the cervix, or an inch below the cervix. And when you're super aroused, you can definitely take more. Also, your vagina stretches in a way that a lot of people don't realize it's not going straight up. And I'm not talking about just the angle of the vagina, because the vagina is on an angle. I'm talking about how the walls stretch to accommodate what is penetrating you. So a lot of time people think that you're like ramming into the cervix, but there's actually a lot of room for things to go in there, because it is really elastic on the front and back walls, especially that frontal wall, though. That's why a lot of people with vaginas enjoy a little bit of a curve upwards. You see a lot of toys with that curve upwards, not just because the whole G spa, you know, the CUV complex thing, but also because it's a comfortable way to receive penetration. Sometimes, because of that stretchiness of that of the front wall, I'm not saying you can stretch it endlessly, but it definitely is more flexible and elastic than people think it is. But what if you prefer that filled up feeling so when I worked at lost the sex toy store. Sometimes couples would come in and they would buy dildos that are on the bigger side, or even extenders to wear, or these, like sleeves. So he would hook it around his penis, behind his balls, and it would add a lot of girth to his penis. But then it would also be like a sleeve on the inside, so it's like he's penetrating, and he's still, like, feeling that sensation. And when it gets really lubed up, I assume it feels really good. And a lot of people associate this with this scenario. He's being cucked or, like, it's a humiliation thing, because they associate the penis size with satisfaction. So like, you inherently, like, don't satisfy her because of your penis, so you have to, like, make it bigger, but that's just not how it is. Like it's that's so black and white, and this is kind of a qualm I'm having lately, is that sex is not just this one thing. And I think when people start to understand it as this broader aspect, there are no analogies for it either. Like people sometimes compare it to exercise, like there's a lot of different ways to move your body, and some people prefer this over others, it exists in this different aspect. He could be satisfying her plenty way more right than anyone would assume, but she likes once in a while or sometimes or all the time. Doesn't matter the feeling of something hitting really close to her cervix. His penis is just not gonna do that. And he loves seeing her feel good, you know. And it's kind of also for people. And I think people have an easier time understanding this when they flip it around, and somebody is too big to comfortably penetrate their partner, or their partner doesn't like it or doesn't want it that deep for whatever reason. And I talk about the O Nut, it's the company that makes them now is called the pelvic people, which are is a really great company, but those bands that you can put on to kind of provide a bumper, people very rarely have any issue accepting that. It's like he's just too big, and I have this condition, and sometimes he needs to put it on, like, that kind of stuff, versus, oh, sometimes I want him to feel bigger. Like, that's the kind of thing that people don't understand, because you're never supposed to admit it. You're never supposed to say it out loud. You know, his worth is probably so tied to his penis size, right? Because mine is these kind of thoughts that fuel this perception. Or maybe the perception is fueled by the thoughts. Maybe the thoughts are fueled by the perception. Doesn't matter. We won't get into that today. You know, I think we are so focused on this. Because on one hand, if you're thinking, Oh, I've never had an orgasm, I must need something bigger inside me, or more intensity. Maybe his penis is just not big enough to make me come. Like, then of course, this is not going to be helpful. If you feel like, never touched your clip before, obviously this is like, not going to be helpful for you to just like, keep increasing the size, right? I'm talking about people who are explorative, who are understanding of their pleasure and their body, who enjoy penetration and who want more of it, want that fuller feeling. There's a very specific feeling that some people and people who are penetrated may really relate to this, but there's a very specific feeling of feeling that stretch. And some people are like, ouch, I don't like it. Other people are like, I like it sometimes, but I have to be in a very specific mood for it. And other people are like, I get off to that exact feeling. So in a lot of ways, it's also tied to sometimes it's tied to discomfort. But what's really uncomfortable for one vagina may be very comfortable for another vagina, and let me explain why.

So going back remember the whole clenching conversation, our vaginas go through a process called tenting, like I mentioned, where the cervix kind of moves up with arousal. And so the vagina usually the walls are kind of almost touching when you're unaroused, like, kind of like the inside of a uninflated balloon, right? And then as you get aroused, that that vaginal wall firmness starts to kind of spread out the tissue as the cervix moves upwards, and it starts to make space. And this is called tenting, because it really does look like you're just kind of pitching a little tent, which I do recognize the irony of boners being called pitching a tent. You know that, like referred to that way when the vaginas process is really called tenting, which is really funny, but this process is a little different for everybody. And vaginas are different shapes and sizes, and everybody is a little different. People have different sensitivity around their cervix and their bladder. Some people, for example, hate anything curved. They're like, it just feels uncomfortable. It just makes me feel like I have to pee, and that's why that whole thing when, when I teach squirting classes, it's like sometimes that feeling is just uncomfortable for people. So don't push it. If it's on discomfort. There's a difference between intolerable discomfort and, oh, this is still feeling good. I'm just feeling that pressure like noticing the pressure. There's a difference there, right? So everyone's vagina feels different, literally, on the inside, our ridges might be a little bit different, the amount of moisture, the amount of tissue that you feel kind of around the clitoral, urethral, vaginal complex, or the g spot, some. People, it's like, really easy to feel someone's cervix. And other people, it's like, Hmm, okay, I haven't really felt it yet, and my fingers didn't change. They're the same size. It's just maybe also the way they were laying, or the position their vagina was in, or just how aroused they were, or where they were in their menstrual cycle. Like, these are things that affect the vaginas shape and size, and this, like shape shifting thing that vaginas go through, right and on the you know, just as a reminder, the vulva also has erectile tissue around the clitoris, both on the external portion and the internal portions that kind of go down these, like legs, and then also down under the labia, so that also engorges, it fills with blood. And that's a really cool process to kind of see the velvet bloom and as it fills with blood. And I think that's that's really cool, and it becomes more sensitive. So since vaginas are different shapes and sizes, and then they go through this different arousal process, and the space they can take up and the amount of material they can take in through penetration may be different. It could be different every day, every phase of the cycle, every person, right because of all of this, it makes sense that people have different desires and wants and needs when it comes to the size and the shape of the things that go inside them. I don't know why we have accepted that penises are all these different shapes and size and colors and textures and girths and whatever, but we don't really accept that vaginas may have, although it's a different amount of variety, right? Everyone's kind of on an average of similar lengths and girths. But people do vary, and the sensitivity varies, and everybody is structurally different. I mean, also just if you look at, for example, giving birth, and I'm not just talking about the process of birthing itself, two people could have unmedicated births that took the same amount of time from, you know, labor start to delivery, but their experiences are gonna be totally different. Even though they had the same team the same time, their experiences could be very different, and it's because maybe one of them has a wider pelvis than the other, maybe one of them has a tighter kind of abdominal pressure, or diaphragmic pressure, than the other. I mean, these are things that make a difference, right? So why wouldn't it make a difference in our vagina? Like, I don't understand why it is so hard for people to accept that people enjoy different things, not just because of mental stimuli or whatever, but also because, physically, we're different. You know, people have different sensitivity on their nipples. They have different sensitivity on their clitorises. They have different sensitivity in their vaginas. And that's kind of the beauty of sex, right? Is how diverse we are in what we enjoy, how we like being touched. And this why I always say there's no magic button. There is no magic button at all. Like it is crazy that people think like, oh, well, if I do this finger motion on everybody, it'll kind of create the same result. Unfortunately, it's not a formula like that. You can increase the likelihood that they'll enjoy it. But ultimately, there's no one size fits all method or technique for any of it. So there's no one size fits all size or shape of a penis or a toy that is gonna pleasure everybody who enjoys penetration, literally just in terms of, should the dildo have, like an appendage, like balls or no balls was wildly debated in the sex shop, let me tell you, Like could not be more of a heated discussion sometimes, where some people would be like, well, of course it does, because I need to be able to grip it properly. Or, of course it does because it I can feel it kind of on my perineum, or I can feel it on my clit if I turn it around, like, why would you not? You know, of course it does, because then it feels more real. And then other people are like, no, like, why would I want that? They just get in the way anyway. They don't feel good. I can't do as much with it. So everybody's so different. And I think that's kind of the moral of the story here. But in terms of being a size queen, is it okay if you just want to get filled up? Of course, yes, it is however. However. We're not gonna body shame people. We're not gonna be like, Well, you can't satisfy me. So, you know, X, Y, Z, that's not really fair. And so that's why I say like, if people are accepting of their size and people are accepting of their desires and people want to see their partner just enjoy themselves, like, why wouldn't you just add a toy or add something? But it's not necessarily like, oh, I have to wear it every time, because we have sex for different reasons. Sometimes we have sex to connect, sometimes we have sex to show each other how much we love each other, and sometimes we have sex for longer, maybe periods of time. We're going to explain. Lore now, and we're gonna push our limits, and we're gonna enjoy each other, and we're gonna just have a good time and explore that pleasure. There's so many different ways and situations that we have sex. So of course, it makes sense that, like, sometimes people want to play and sometimes people want to connect more. But I'm what I'm not saying, that it's like either or, obviously, these things are always happening at the same time. But you know what I mean? It's like, not every single time you have sex, it's gonna feel exactly the same, you know, or at least if it if it is feeling exactly the same, then I encourage you to try to explore around that. But dildos are, I think, ironically, the final frontier of the sex toy acceptance for hetero couples. And I'm not talking this time in terms of pegging, right? I'm talking about just, I personally think it's really hot. And this is maybe just my personal bias coming in, right? This is a moment for me to check in with my sexual attitude reassessment, right, in a positive way. I think it's really hot. If someone is like, oh, I want to see how much you can take. But I personally, I like bigger things, like, I like, I'm also, I'm a tall girl, you know, so maybe that has something to do with it (for transcript reader: sarcasm- this is a joke- height and vaginal length do not correlate). But I, I don't think that should be something I should feel ashamed about. I don't think it should be anything people should be ashamed about. And if people enjoy things on the smaller side, they shouldn't be ashamed of that either. But does that mean that's the only thing that's important to me about sex? Absolutely not. Does that mean that's the only thing that matters during sex? No. Does that even mean that that's something I think about during sex, usually not at all. So it's just one of those things where I think it is really funny how we frame the idea of the size queen, you know, it’s like, Well, that one's not good for me. It’s kind of like the Alice in Wonderland, like she's taking little bites of things, and it's changing how she is. That's not entirely what it is, right? Unless that's something you're into, if you want to be shamed for that, you know that's that's your thing. It's so funny because dildos are kind of the OG sex toy in a lot of ways, and not just because throughout history and spanning multiple cultures, they've popped up. And there's even in Buzz Haley Lieberman's history of sex toys, I I love that she spent time kind of digging through the history of specifically the dildo, even from like ancient Rome and even before that. But also they're kind of the OG sex toy, in my opinion, because people often think about them because they're so used to thinking about penetration, and they think about penetration as the ultimate form of pleasure, which, you know, is definitely misguided. But I understand why they have that perception. I think the pendulum has swung to the point where, yes, penetration is not the end all be all. I'm 100% on board with that. I don't think we're ready to move on from that conversation yet, but for those of us who are like, yeah, I get it. I get off from, like, everything else too. Sometimes people won't just want to be railed by something big. That's it. That's there's no, nothing more to unpack there. I think part of this, the way I understand this, is also because in gay sex with gay men, it isn't crazy to play with something bigger than either person's penis, because it's about the sensation and the sensation seeking more than identifying with qualities of size, right? But again, that's not to say that there aren't values based on size, because Hello, gay men are famously great at categorizing sexual archetypes for for better or for worse. But you know, it's not always this. Oh, well, he wants something bigger than me, so I must not be able to satisfy him at all. I think we need to divorce. The idea of this is all I have to bring to the table is my penis size, because then it's like, not a big deal. If your partner is using a dildo that's like, bigger than you, then it's like, Oh, sick, cool, sick. As in a good way, like, that's fucking hot, you know. But what do you think? I want to hear from you! What do you think about being a size queen? Not when it's used to body shame people, and not when it's in terms of, I can't come so I'm always just trying to put something bigger in there. I'm talking about, like the true definition, which, to me, just feels like someone who enjoys bigger things. But side note here, I'm not talking about those who enjoy fisting, because that, to me, is different than being a size queen. I don't know why I categorize that differently, but I think of fisting because that is penetration, and it is a lot of penetration, but I think fisting also has a different it has a different vibe. I haven't been fisted, and I don't have a desire to be, despite sometimes enjoying things on the bigger side. Right? But I have fisted somebody, and it is just like a different vibe, maybe because it's like it requires a lot of communication and a lot of bonding in that moment that is kind of unlike anything else. I can do a whole episode on fisting, if you guys want I don't know how many people want that, but I can also dedicate half an episode of fisting. I also want to note here that just because someone wants something to kind of fill them up more, it doesn't mean that it has to come from you, like the size doesn't need to come from you. I think that's also what I'm trying to say here. You don't need to pump your genitals. You don't need an implant, because it can really it can be you with an extender. It can be a toy, and then you and then the toy, like, play around with it. It can even be your fingers, if you do it the right way, like you can create a lot of space inside of somebody, and you can make them feel really full with with your fingers. And it's kind of almost fisting, but it's not you kind of create this pointy little thing with your fingers. So hard to explain, I'm doing it in front of the mic as if you guys can see it. But I guess I can just post a photo of it to my story or something. So I'm gonna go on the record and say it's okay parentheses most of the time, and parentheses to be a size queen, asterisk only if you're not using it to shame people nonconsensualy. Okay, is that? Is that good? Is that a good answer? What grade do I get on that? Because I do also think people feel ashamed of wanting bigger things. And then I also feel like people feel ashamed of asking for bigger things because they don't want to hurt their partner. But now that I'm thinking about it, also some my friends that are like true size queens, some of the sizes of the things they put in them puts me to shame. I mean, for example, all of the the monster kind of fantasy sci fi stuff that we sold at lost it. I wasn't maybe just, I'm not really into that whole thing. I don't read fan fiction. I don't read fantasy stuff. I'm not really it doesn't work on me, and I don't know why. Even like reading fiction in general. I like it. I can imagine all of it, but I I like reality. Reality is always more exciting to me. I don't know. I don't know why. Even when I was younger, I would rather read non fiction sometimes than fiction, but sometimes fiction, just like emotionally exhausts me. I don't know if that's normal, but anyway, yeah, the fantasy stuff doesn't like do it for me, but for friends of mine, who it does do it for them, some of that stuff is really big, and obviously it has to be done in the right way, otherwise you can hurt yourself. So maybe I'm like, I don't know. I don't know what I classify myself as, but I know that I am tired of this conversation kind of turning into, well, people don't even like penetrations only about the clit because, you know, the clitoris runs around the vestibule, the vaginal opening, and also has an internal portion. So yeah, it is all about the clit, and sometimes penetration is part of that.

Okay, moving on to some other questions that you guys left me in my anonymous little question box.

“Why do people like wax play?” So there's two types of wax play. There is the type that has hard wax, where you buy these special erotic candles that can either be in a pillar or these little sticks, and you burn the wax, and you kind of tap it, or you watch it drip, but usually it's like a little flick. So the hot wax, which is, by the way, a special type of candle, so it's not like burning hot, it's made of a material that doesn't get as hot as other traditional waxes, and it lands on the person, and it can be very exciting and sensual. There's also the type of wax where you burn it and it turns into this oil that you can put in your hands and massage someone, or you can, in some cases, drip the oil directly onto the person, but I recommend not doing that, because you never really know. Some of these things say that it's safe to do, but you usually want to wait until you turn off the candle. So when we talk about wax play, I think people are more so talking about the hard wax. So there's a couple different reasons why people might like it is the suspense, having this lit candle over you, and you're just like waiting and waiting for that sensation, and you don't know what's gonna come and then it's really so it's part of a kink dynamic there where it's a suspenseful and sensual activity, the sensation some people just are really turned on by that heat by that kind of intensity, the same way, maybe a flogger or a kind of biting crop or something feels there's also the element of a power dynamic. There's someone literally pouring wax on you. And a lot of the time, people are either laying down, not touching themselves, or anything, just. To receiving the wax, they have to kind of be open to receiving in this moment. Or sometimes they're bound, which is a really intense power dynamic. You know, that's definitely something you have to negotiate beforehand. And this special wax, it's also just, it's intentional. You are intentionally taking up space and your pleasure, which I think for a lot of people, that is like, the biggest part of everything that they enjoy is that they're they're doing that. So the places that people enjoy wax play are the chest, the inner thighs, the stomach, the butt and the thighs on the back, sometimes too. But you should, in general, avoid the face, because you don't want to get the stuff in your mouth or your eyes or your nose, and you should usually avoid the genitals as well unless, of course, you have, like, a lot of experience in this, and you've negotiated this in a scene or whatever. In general, I don't recommend people use it on their face or their genitals for a lot of different reasons, but I know a lot of people enjoy it on their stomach and their chest, either if they have breasts on their like, around their nipples, or right in the middle, the center of their breasts, or kind of underneath where your ribs are. I think people definitely neglect this area, but it's so sensitive. It's usually the place kind of people tickle you. It's like the the waist and the ribs, and then, like under the armpits.Try, if you aren't wax play, try that area too, and see what happens.

Okay, next question from another lovely, anonymous person, why don't rabbit vibes work for me. They just feel like they don't hit the right spot. They're made for both spots. So Is something wrong with me down there? Okay, so we all have different lengths, from the clitoris, the external portion that you kind of you see under the hood, to the vaginal opening, which is also called the vestibule. And people have different lengths. There are some studies that have been quoted a lot years ago about how the length between these two spots may impact your ability to have an orgasm through penetration. I think it's less about the grinding and it's more to do with the internal portion and how spongy that CUV complex is. Let's go back to the rabbit vibe, because we all have different lengths. It's impossible to account for everybody's genitals, right? So most rabbits or dual stimulation vibrators, it has one part that goes inside and then another that sticks out and touches the external clit. And it's made for kind of the average, right? But it's never been really tested as like an average. It's just the original was made with these two kind of longer pieces of silicone that flicker so it was bound to touch you somewhere. But modern versions don't always have those little ears, which is like why it was nicknamed the rabbit in the first place. Because those little bunny ears, you know, most modern ones, they may have a suction toy. They may have more of that bullet vibe feeling, because a lot of people those little ears just it wasn't enough. It was more of a tickle than an actual, you know, rumbly vibration or sensation. But maybe you should try one with that very long kind of bendy area, either those little flickering, fluttering motions, or you can try one with a longer area that's more bendy and soft. It could also be, though, that, you know, you just prefer clitoral sensation from a different angle. I've talked about this before, but rabbit vibes don't always work for me. I think I discussed it when I had Saga on the podcast, this toy that she like, swears by she loves so much. I tried it, and it's like a, it's a suction toy, vibrator with a, like a attachment. It's, I guess, a rabbit, a style toy, duels toy with a suction toy, instead of the bullet, kind of vibration on the outside. Anyway, I tried it and it was just it would not I was trying every type of position. I was shoving it like way up there. I was taking it out, trying to bend it around. Like there was just no way that it would suction onto my clit. It kept going, like, really close, but it was right underneath it, and I just didn't understand. I was like, is the angle of my vagina, weird, like, what is happening? Why does everybody swear by this? And it was getting uncomfortable even to use, because it would kind of start to suction more on my urethra. And I was like, Oh, God, this is just horrible. So I unfortunately, it just, it didn't work for me, but I ended up keeping it and just using it, like as a vibrator. I mean, as opposed to returning it, like I couldn't return it, but the one that has worked for me, surprisingly, was, I think it's called clutch from Unbound, and I do have a code with them, and I don't want you to go and buy this just because I'm recommending it, because I'm not recommending it for you. I'm just talking about in general. The reason it worked for me, it doesn't get. At me there every time consistently, though, like, I have to be in a very specific mood for it. But I think it's because it has a bigger space in between the part that goes inside you and then the part that extends out. It has this kind of wide space that some people are like, Oh, I don't really like that. But also I think it's because it doesn't vibrate inside me the same way other ones do. So what it does instead is it kind of thumps, so it's like a little mini thruster, and that sensation is really nice. And I think a lot of the time people do use the rabbit toy, and then they're like, this is just not working for me. I think it's just because for some people, it's just it's too much. I'm not that much of an internal vibration girly. I prefer more firm movement. For example, I also don't like the come here motion inside me. It just kind of like bothers me. I like a firm kind of press up. So these are things that I can say that I like, because I've extracted this sensation and I've put words to it, so now I can kind of ask for it, or I know what I like, and I've been able to kind of zero in and be like, Okay, this is something I like. This is something I don't like. So then when I'm looking at a toy, I can be like, Okay, well, I don't usually like vibration inside me, or I don't usually like this twisting motion inside me, because it just kind of makes me feel uncomfortable, like I just have to take it out, because I'm just, like, a little overwhelmed. But I do enjoy that thrusting motion. I do enjoy that kind of slower motion, or I do enjoy that vast thumping motion. So these are things that I've tested out, and I know, and so I think with time, it gets easier if you try a lot of different things, then you start to develop this pleasure vocabulary for yourself, and you're able to adjust it. I don't know if I mentioned this, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with your vulva, by the way, this is a super common thing, and it's not even an issue. It's just your preference is that these aren't working for you. So let's just frame it that way, and there's nothing wrong with it. And like I said, you may just prefer clit sensation in a different way or from a different angle. Maybe the internal part vibrating is just not doing it for you. It's okay, but if you want a hands free sensation, maybe you should try one of those sandwich toys that kind of clamp down so there's an internal portion that's more shallow and kind of hooks, and then there's an external portion that lays a little bit more flat on the vulva and can provide a lot more pressure. And they're these, like kind of sandwich. They're kind of C shaped. If you search C shaped sex toy, they may, they may come up also really quick aside, I don't really sound like myself. I am a little bit more out of breath than usual. My asthma is kicking in a little because my allergies and stuff. So I do apologize for how breathy and kind of strange I sound, but hopefully I'll be back to my usual cheery and breath support itself next week.

All right, next question, “how do I ask my boyfriend to spit in my mouth during sex? Love you.” Okay, I had to include that little last part, because I love you too. That's so cute. I love when people say stuff like that to me, because I'm like they like me. They really like me. Makes me happy. Okay, well, you can bring it up outside of the bedroom, or you can ease into it and then suggest it and then talk about it. But either way, you're gonna have to bring it up or negotiate it, right? Or you're just gonna have to straight up ask for it in the heat of the moment, which I don't always suggest, because sometimes you know, adrenaline's pumping, and you get asked to do something, and you do it, and then afterwards you're like, Ooh, I don't know if I really want to do that, just saving everybody some just making easier for everybody. I guess it's always better to discuss things beforehand, unless this is something you guys already do when you negotiated that, whatever. So you can be specific. You can be as specific as possible, and kind of paint a picture for him, as you guys know, and as Andre 3000 famously said, you can plan a pretty picnic, but you cannot predict the weather. So you may be fantasizing about this out loud, and he might be into it, but he needs a little bit more of a push. You know, that's the first part, though, you should be specific. You can say you want him to kiss you during missionary and then you want him to lick your tongue, and then you can ask him to spit in your mouth, you know, maybe even before you even have sex. That can be something. And then you can ask for it. Later, you can recall to it like, I want it, I want it again, like what you did before, spit in my mouth again. But also make sure you're telling him how you want this bit to happen. Maybe he's just like, confused as to what you're wanting. So do you want it? It drip into your mouth while he's making eye contact with you. Do you want it to be kind of more sensual and slow, or do you want that more like intense, that quick one that like holding your mouth open and he spits in it and then closes your jaw like, is that what you're looking for? Because those are very different vibes. Make sure he knows what you're looking for because you should be specific. Because, in general, if you want something done in a specific way, you're gonna have to either ask for it that exact way or model it for them or something. Because a lot of the time, people may also have seen something done a different way, so that's their perception of it. And then when it comes down to it, you're like, What is this? And it's just easier and just have that kind of open flow about it. Okay, I don't know why I'm sharing so much more about myself than usual, this, this episode, but I personally, I love that kind of more like, slow, almost drip into your mouth from if you're laying down, and they're like, on top of you, and it's kind of like, Oh, guys, I'm getting goosebumps. But and then also that just gentle, like, hold of the face, or that, like gentle close of the mouth. Whew! That’s so sexy to me be like, gentle but dominant. You know, I don't know that's also kind of the way I am. Sometimes with people, I like to walk them through I like to coach them through it. So that's another thing I always tell people. If you are worried about talking about your sex life or asking for things or whatever, think about it like you are easing them through it. You're like coaching them through it. I think that can be really sexy if it's done in a way that's praising them. If he does it the way you want, remember to thank him. You can literally say thank you as you have it in your mouth, or you can do the thing where you tell him, like, how good that just made you feel. But I know the concept of swallowing someone's spit is a little gross if you think about it too hard, but at the same time, that's basically what you're doing if you're kissing for a long time, especially heavy Tongue Kissing, you know, all right, next question, I'm getting hot and bothered.

“Does vaping lead to ED?” So ED, in this instance, means erectile dysfunction. So I wrote about how cigarette smoke leads to erectile dysfunction in a newsletter a few months ago. You can definitely look into that. I did a pretty good deep dive on exactly how cigarette smoke leads to erectile dysfunction, but part of it is the nicotine, and part of it, though, is the actual smoke you're inhaling when you're smoking a cigarette. So it does have a different mechanism at play than vaping. So it's unclear if vaping has the exact same effects on the penis as cigarettes, but what we do know is that vaping does have some health risks associated with it, and that one of those things is that vaping does impact circulation. So does it lead to Ed? I mean, leading to is like a very specific term in medicine, so I can't say for sure, but could it be possibly affecting the intensity of your erection? Absolutely, I think that nicotine in general, we know the properties that it, it impacts your circulation, and in that regard, it can definitely impact your erectile maybe strength or or firmness. But will it necessarily be the culprit of erectile dysfunction? I can't say yes or no for sure, but I will follow this up in a newsletter, not this week, but in the next couple weeks, as I investigate this a little further, and maybe I will ask a urologist friend of mine what his take is, because we know so much about the way cigarette smoke and tobacco products that are combustible, so like smoke inhalation, but also non tobacco smoke inhalation, like affects your erections and your erectile functioning. So it's definitely something to think about. You know, watch the space.

“So how do I create that bite sensation with a flogger? Is it the rhythm or the wrist motion? Help!”. Okay, don't worry, I'm here to help you. So with a flogger, for those of you who don't know, a lot of people confuse a flogger with a whip, but a flogger is a stick with a tassel at the end. Sometimes it's also kind of confused for a writing crop. Those are all three different tools, but they are tools for sensation play or impact play. So it's a form of kink, it's a form of BDSM specifically. Impact play can be intense, but it for most people that enjoy it actually, let me not say anything. Without citing it. But for a lot of people, in my experience, like anecdotally, they enjoy more of the sensations and the sensuality of this. So you can use a flogger, this, you know, thing that has either has like a short handle with this strips of leather or silicone or other materials on it. Or it can be kind of a longer stick. I have one here in front of me. That's a tiny little Tisk. It's a it's a tiny little flogger with silicone strips on one end and then a tiny little paddle on the other end. And a lot of people may look at it and be like, Oh, that. That wouldn't make that much impact. That's, you know, kind of the point you're not always supposed to hurt somebody. People don't always want pain. They just want sensation. And I think that's something that's a really big misconception. So let me try to make this sound in the mic. I don't know if you can hear that, but I'm doing it to my wrist.

So the bite of that is not necessarily the flick of the wrist, and it's not necessarily the intensity. It's more so how far away you're holding it from a person and the rhythm. So the bite sensation, this is something people talk about is that it kind of just feels like it's nibbling at you, like if you've ever had a puppy bite your ankles, that's kind of what it feels like. So it's actually because the only part of the floggers, strips of silicone or leather or whatever material, that are touching, actually making contact with the person, is the last little inch, or, if you're really good, like the last little centimeter. So you're flogging at someone, and you're kind of far enough away where only the tips of the flogger are reaching their skin. And when you're doing this, you're not going to be doing it on their face, on their lower back or on their genitals unless, of course, that's something you've negotiated, but you want to protect those areas. But what you can do is kind of run the flogger on let's say you want to do it to their butt. Let's, let's go for, like, a very common area, right? You want to do it there. You can run the floggers material over that person's butt. And this is also because you're trying to see, kind of how far away and like the aim. And then you can do one little slow one where you're just kind of brushing the material over, and then you can start to pick up the pace, because at this point, you've seen how far away you need to be for just that little inch. And it's it's this biting sensation. It's not as much material hitting them. So it's kind of more of this, like quick little spark, as opposed to a longer the material shouldn't be stopping on their skin for that long. But keep in mind that this does make it a more intense sensation, so you definitely don't want to be doing it too hard make sure you're going gently, because, like I said, pain is not always the sensation people are seeking with this.

All right, so my last question here is, “would you ever go back to audio erotica?” Yeah, I mean, I would. I loved making it, and I loved producing it. It was really fun. It was something that was so exciting for me, and I just think about it still like just how fun it was to get to explore these new kind of roles and stories and what it did for me, but also just the outpouring of support I got from people who enjoyed them. I thought it was really great. So of course, yes, but right now is not the best time. Just because I'm I'm kind of weighing my options with how I want to move forward in my career, but if the opportunity presented itself in the future, absolutely. But if you're interested in that, just let me know. I would love to hear some feedback about what kind of stuff you guys would want, or what company you would want me to work with, and we can see what we can make happen. But yeah, definitely i i Miss reading the stories a lot. I only wrote a few, but I miss producing it also the most. It was actually kind of fun to for a short, brief moment of my life. I was technically a porn producer, which is really, really funny, but it was just audio erotica, which reminds me I am still collecting answers for my dirty talk episode, and you can DM them to me or send an anonymous submission in the link in my bio, and you can tell me what is the. Hottest thing you've ever been told in bed, what's the hottest thing someone sex Did you or I guess, you know phone sex counts as well. So tell me what is the thing that you still sometimes think about it, and you're like, oh my god, I cannot believe that they said that. Oh my god, that's so hot. Or something that you may have said to someone, and you're like, I cannot believe that came out of my mouth. It can be something that you cringe over now. It could be something you still think about and it turns you on whatever. Just send me those little submissions. I did this episode once before, back on my other site.

I want to do it again, an updated version. I think we deserve a part two. I think the first one was super hot, and I wanna, I wanna do over. I wanna redo. So thanks for listening, and you can definitely submit those things. I shared a lot more of my personal life this episode, and so my personal opinions and takes, which is what this podcast is for. And I really love the feedback I get. I love when you guys tell me, Oh, I can totally relate, or Oh, that's not really something I've ever thought about. So if you have comments, if you have questions, just tell me, just DM me. I’m here for you. I love listening to you guys just as much as you like listening to me. So remember to give this one a little rating. It helps other people to find the podcast too, and me to grow as a creator. And of course, you can use my codes. Those are B, B, I R, N, A, B, Birna at unbound babes, at fur oil and some fun stuff that will be in the description of this episode. Thanks so much for listening, you guys, and I'm sending you my love all the way here from DC.